Involutary Muscle Contractions
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on ?Involuntary Muscular Contractions? to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ?Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you?re having an orgasm??
She replied, ?Probably deer hunting with his buddies.??
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom????
Full Version: Jokes
QUOTE(UncleBuck @ Dec 20 2010, 06:29 PM)
Involutary Muscle Contractions
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on ?Involuntary Muscular Contractions? to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ?Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you?re having an orgasm??
She replied, ?Probably deer hunting with his buddies.??
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom????
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on ?Involuntary Muscular Contractions? to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ?Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you?re having an orgasm??
She replied, ?Probably deer hunting with his buddies.??
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom????
Ultimate pleasure secrets from around the globe
The Italian says, When I?ve a finished a making love I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy.
The Frenchman replies That is nothing, when I?ve finished making love, I kiss all the way down her body, and then I lick the soles of her feet with my tongue, and she floats 12 inches above the bed in pure ecstasy.
The redneck says, That aint nothing. When I?ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the fuckin? ceiling!
The Italian says, When I?ve a finished a making love I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy.
The Frenchman replies That is nothing, when I?ve finished making love, I kiss all the way down her body, and then I lick the soles of her feet with my tongue, and she floats 12 inches above the bed in pure ecstasy.
The redneck says, That aint nothing. When I?ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the fuckin? ceiling!
QUOTE(UncleBuck @ Jan 17 2011, 07:24 PM)
Ultimate pleasure secrets from around the globe
The Italian says, When I?ve a finished a making love I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy.
The Frenchman replies That is nothing, when I?ve finished making love, I kiss all the way down her body, and then I lick the soles of her feet with my tongue, and she floats 12 inches above the bed in pure ecstasy.
The redneck says, That aint nothing. When I?ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the fuckin? ceiling!
The Italian says, When I?ve a finished a making love I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy.
The Frenchman replies That is nothing, when I?ve finished making love, I kiss all the way down her body, and then I lick the soles of her feet with my tongue, and she floats 12 inches above the bed in pure ecstasy.
The redneck says, That aint nothing. When I?ve finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the fuckin? ceiling!
a man and his wife were watching a tv documentary on the minds ability to have mixed emotions...the husband turns to his wife and says this is bullshit...there is no such thing as mixed emotions...his wife assures him that it is possible...the husband says oh yeah...then tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.......his wife looks at him and says...of all your friends,you have the biggest dick..
QUOTE(fun4us94 @ Jan 22 2011, 12:27 AM)
a man and his wife were watching a tv documentary on the minds ability to have mixed emotions...the husband turns to his wife and says this is bullshit...there is no such thing as mixed emotions...his wife assures him that it is possible...the husband says oh yeah...then tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.......his wife looks at him and says...of all your friends,you have the biggest dick..
shit...had forgotten i had already posted this one...sorry
every mornin ole boudreaux stops at the same general store and fills the tank on his boat before he goes fishin and after a day of fishin he stops at the same store and buys a 6 pack of beer...well it dont take long before the local game warden notices that boudreaux catches a bunch of fish every day...one day he asks boudreaux if he could go fishing with him...so the next mornin ole boudreaux picks the warden up for a day of fishin...after a long boat ride boudreax stops the boat and slides a wooden box from under his seat...he pulls a stick of dynamite from the box and lights it then throws it over board...after the explosion the game warden is pissed...he tells boudreaux that dynamiting fish is illegal and he is going to arrest him as soon as they get back to shore...boudreaux pays him no mind and grabs another piece of dynamite...after lighting it he throws it in the game wardens lap and says to him...you gona talk all day or you gona fish???
For years men and women have been at odds concerning who is superior. For an answer to that question let?s see how each deals with conflict.
Man has fight with wife. Look how he attempts to solve the problem:
Man screams loudly that she never listens to him....fight goes on
Man watches his wife begin to cry and he tells her that he isn?t in the mood for her whining...fight goes on
Man feels bad and buys his wife flowers...she refuses to accept the apology
Man tries buying her her favorite candy...she?s still upset
Man offers to take her out for a night on the town...she?s still upset
Man buys her expensive jewelry which she accepts but she reminds him she?s still upset
Man begs for forgiveness telling her what an idiot he is and she somewhat accepts but she reminds him she?ll still hold a grudge.
Now let?s look at how the woman handles conflict.
Woman has a fight with husband.
If she wants to settle things she resorts to one of three little tricks to end the argument immediately
#1. Woman flashes her boobs....fight is over
#2. Woman undresses and offers sex...fight is over
#3. (only to be used in a case of emergency)....Woman drops to her knees and performs oral sex on her husband. Not only is the fight over, but the husband in turn kisses her ass for a week!
Now I ask you...who?se the smarter sex?
Man has fight with wife. Look how he attempts to solve the problem:
Man screams loudly that she never listens to him....fight goes on
Man watches his wife begin to cry and he tells her that he isn?t in the mood for her whining...fight goes on
Man feels bad and buys his wife flowers...she refuses to accept the apology
Man tries buying her her favorite candy...she?s still upset
Man offers to take her out for a night on the town...she?s still upset
Man buys her expensive jewelry which she accepts but she reminds him she?s still upset
Man begs for forgiveness telling her what an idiot he is and she somewhat accepts but she reminds him she?ll still hold a grudge.
Now let?s look at how the woman handles conflict.
Woman has a fight with husband.
If she wants to settle things she resorts to one of three little tricks to end the argument immediately
#1. Woman flashes her boobs....fight is over
#2. Woman undresses and offers sex...fight is over
#3. (only to be used in a case of emergency)....Woman drops to her knees and performs oral sex on her husband. Not only is the fight over, but the husband in turn kisses her ass for a week!
Now I ask you...who?se the smarter sex?
At a school in North Carolina a teacher in english is beginning class and they are working on using certain words in sentences . the word for today is Handsome . So she asks the class to volunteer . A girl in the back stands up , Says "my name is Tenisha , and when im sucking my boyfriends snake and my jaw begins to get sore sometimes i have to use my Hand-some ! "
A deaf man and a deaf woman recently got married. On their honeymoon they found they had a problem communicating with the lights off, so sex was difficult to coordinate. The wife decided they needed a system. She told her husband, "If at night you want to have sex, reach over and grab my left breast. If you do not want to have sex, grab my right breast." The husband likes the idea and replies, "Great! So if you want to have sex reach over and tug on my penis once. If you dont, reach over and tug on my penis one hundred times!"
QUOTE(EthanReed @ May 4 2011, 07:45 AM)
A deaf man and a deaf woman recently got married. On their honeymoon they found they had a problem communicating with the lights off, so sex was difficult to coordinate. The wife decided they needed a system. She told her husband, "If at night you want to have sex, reach over and grab my left breast. If you do not want to have sex, grab my right breast." The husband likes the idea and replies, "Great! So if you want to have sex reach over and tug on my penis once. If you dont, reach over and tug on my penis one hundred times!"
Smart man!
May the 4th be with you !!!!!!!
QUOTE(EthanReed @ May 4 2011, 05:45 AM)
A deaf man and a deaf woman recently got married. On their honeymoon they found they had a problem communicating with the lights off, so sex was difficult to coordinate. The wife decided they needed a system. She told her husband, "If at night you want to have sex, reach over and grab my left breast. If you do not want to have sex, grab my right breast." The husband likes the idea and replies, "Great! So if you want to have sex reach over and tug on my penis once. If you dont, reach over and tug on my penis one hundred times!"
Three men were eating their lunch at the building site they worked at. The first man opens his lunch and says "Ham sandwiches. If I get ham sandwiches one more day Im gonna kill myself". The second man opens his lunch and say "Chicken sandwiches. If I get chicken sandwiches one more day Im gonna kill myself. The last man opens his lunch and say "Lamb sandwiches. If I get lamb sandwiches one more day Im gonna kill myself".
The next day the men opened their lunches. "Ham sandwiches", "Chicken sandwiches", "Lamb sandwiches". They all proceed to jump of the half finished building to their deaths.
At the funeral the mens wives spoke. Crying, the first mans wife said "I thought he liked ham sandwiches". The second mans wife said "I thought he liked chicken sandwiches". The last mans wife says "Well I dont know what was wrong with my husband. He made his own lunch".
The next day the men opened their lunches. "Ham sandwiches", "Chicken sandwiches", "Lamb sandwiches". They all proceed to jump of the half finished building to their deaths.
At the funeral the mens wives spoke. Crying, the first mans wife said "I thought he liked ham sandwiches". The second mans wife said "I thought he liked chicken sandwiches". The last mans wife says "Well I dont know what was wrong with my husband. He made his own lunch".
It was my anniversary last week. My wife asked me if I wanted oral sex or a new pair of shoes?
I went head over heels.
I went head over heels.
She married a sugar daddy with lots of candy...
http://vimeo.com/26753142
(clean link, no unwanted surprises)
http://vimeo.com/26753142
(clean link, no unwanted surprises)
A SHORT BEDTIME STORY
[attachmentid=100683]
[attachmentid=100683]
Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to
choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly
walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt
cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food. The hillbillies'
buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint
niver seed nobody do it""
choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly
walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt
cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food. The hillbillies'
buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint
niver seed nobody do it""
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond since he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned. 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond,naked.'
Holding the bucket up, he said,
'I'M HERE TO FEED THE ALLIGATOR.'
Some older men can still think fast.
QUOTE(evade20 @ Aug 24 2011, 08:48 PM)
Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to
choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly
walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt
cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food. The hillbillies'
buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint
niver seed nobody do it""
choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly
walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt
cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food. The hillbillies'
buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint
niver seed nobody do it""
Now dat der's just plain funny !!!
QUOTE(UncleBuck @ Oct 20 2011, 07:29 PM)
Now dat der's just plain funny !!!
3D tried it but he forgot that there aren't any alligators in Peoria!
Mount Rushmore from the Canadian side:
What tastes good on pie but not on pussy....
★★★The Crust★★★
★★★The Crust★★★
What tastes good on pie but not on pussy....
★★★The Crust★★★
★★★The Crust★★★
QUOTE(rage @ Oct 22 2011, 03:16 PM)
What tastes good on pie but not on pussy....
★★★The Crust★★★
★★★The Crust★★★
It sounded so good he posted it twice!
A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner.
After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "How did you do?".
She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50".
He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "All of them".
After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "How did you do?".
She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50".
He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "All of them".
Icandoit, you wouldn't get 50c per client,,,, you're worth WAY more than that!
Didn't read all other pages so don't know if this is on here but...
How do you make five pounds of fat look good ?
Put a nipple on it!!!
How do you make five pounds of fat look good ?
Put a nipple on it!!!
QUOTE(stackedmom @ Oct 29 2011, 03:58 PM)
Didn't read all other pages so don't know if this is on here but...
How do you make five pounds of fat look good ?
Put a nipple on it!!!
How do you make five pounds of fat look good ?
Put a nipple on it!!!
Looks real good!
QUOTE(valoish @ Oct 29 2011, 01:42 PM)
Icandoit, you wouldn't get 50c per client,,,, you're worth WAY more than that!
Not sure if this is a compliment or not...
Are you calling me a (high-end) prostitute Valoish?
QUOTE(icandoit @ Nov 2 2011, 02:02 PM)
Not sure if this is a compliment or not...
Are you calling me a (high-end) prostitute Valoish?
Are you calling me a (high-end) prostitute Valoish?
You better duck and cover, Valoish! Icandoit is about to go ballistic...
QUOTE(stackedmom @ Oct 29 2011, 01:58 PM)
Didn't read all other pages so don't know if this is on here but...
How do you make five pounds of fat look good ?
Put a nipple on it!!!
How do you make five pounds of fat look good ?
Put a nipple on it!!!
OH Yeah
QUOTE(icandoit @ Nov 2 2011, 01:02 PM)
Not sure if this is a compliment or not...
Are you calling me a (high-end) prostitute Valoish?
Are you calling me a (high-end) prostitute Valoish?
Huh....not at all babe... you know I would never treat you as such.... I'm sorry if it didn't come out how it should have
QUOTE(valoish @ Nov 3 2011, 06:51 PM)
Huh....not at all babe... you know I would never treat you as such.... I'm sorry if it didn't come out how it should have
Can't say I didn't warn you....
QUOTE(UncleBuck @ Jan 19 2012, 10:50 AM)
This one was funny, too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhrJry8iGFY&feature=related
How the heart became the symbol of Valentine?s Day
QUOTE(evade20 @ Feb 20 2012, 08:37 PM)
How the heart became the symbol of Valentine?s Day
QUOTE(evade20 @ Jan 20 2012, 05:16 PM)
Wimp is straight up awesome.
QUOTE(FreakyShinnizle @ Feb 22 2012, 12:46 AM)
Wimp is straight up awesome.
Truely!
Sensitivity Test For Men
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don?t miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she?s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today?s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I?m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn?t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don?t miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she?s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today?s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I?m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn?t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
QUOTE(UncleBuck @ Feb 25 2012, 11:20 AM)
Sensitivity Test For Men
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don?t miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she?s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today?s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I?m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn?t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don?t miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she?s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today?s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I?m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn?t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
What is a passing score?
Gardening.... too lazy to type this in so I scanned it... 
QUOTE(evade20 @ Feb 25 2012, 12:44 PM)
What is a passing score?
Irish yoga 
Accountant gets caught embezzling millions of dollars from a high powered law firm.
He goes to trial and as expected gets a lengthy prison sentence. When he gets to prison and the door slams shut he starts to sob, it has really hit home now.
His cellmate, a big hulking black man, asks him why he is sobbing. The Accountant says "I have heard about what happens to little guys like me in prison."
The cellmate says "Oh no, you don't have to worry about that kind of thing, this is the new prison system. See nowadays we are civil enough to give you a choice, you can be the husband or the wife. It's your choice!"
"Really!?" says the accountant, starting to realize that his situation is really not going to be THAT bad.
"Yes" says the cellmate, "What would you like to be?"
"Well" the accountant says "I would like to be the husband."
The cellmate says "Great! good choice, now get over here and suck your wife's dick!"
He goes to trial and as expected gets a lengthy prison sentence. When he gets to prison and the door slams shut he starts to sob, it has really hit home now.
His cellmate, a big hulking black man, asks him why he is sobbing. The Accountant says "I have heard about what happens to little guys like me in prison."
The cellmate says "Oh no, you don't have to worry about that kind of thing, this is the new prison system. See nowadays we are civil enough to give you a choice, you can be the husband or the wife. It's your choice!"
"Really!?" says the accountant, starting to realize that his situation is really not going to be THAT bad.
"Yes" says the cellmate, "What would you like to be?"
"Well" the accountant says "I would like to be the husband."
The cellmate says "Great! good choice, now get over here and suck your wife's dick!"
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