Nude Gallery

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain. She divorced him. He was never home.

men!

omg. i am so slow. i was just gonna ask u where the first part of this joke is?

i dont get it

A stroke

The third one couldn't reach........

All the sunglass smile's should be Option B's but anyway you have to have driven in LA to fully appreciate this joke

So there's a pirate who goes into a bar and he's wearing a big steering wheel for a belt buckle. The bartender asks him, "what's with the steering wheel?"

so the pirate says, "Arrr. It's driving me nuts!"

Good one

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Did you hear about the flasher who was going to retire?

He decided to stick it out for another year.

Two women are riding bikes to a friend's house when it starts to get dark. "I've never come this way before," says one of the women.
"Me neither," says the other woman. "It must be the cobblestones."


Why do brides wear white?
Because it's nice when the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator.

A blind guy walks into a bar and finds a stool at the bar.

"Hey, want to hear a really great blond joke?" He says when the bartender brings him his drink.

The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over and says in a low voice: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting on your right is 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to his right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. We're all blonds. Think about it, Pal. You really wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Cowboy and Cowgirl

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.

Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".

She slides her hands further down and gasps. "Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.

"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.

Finally, the couple begin to make love.

After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"

"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!"

LMFAO

DOes that really work???

Why are you having trouble untying your knots?

Go to WifemeetsGirlfriend.wmv. Very funny!!!! This guy also does a song called dear Penis.

There is something unusual about these words, see if you can figure it out. The answer is below...but don't peek until you've given it a good shot!





Assess




Banana




Dresser




Grammar




Potato




Revive




Uneven




Voodoo





OK, see if you can figure out what these words have in common........






Are you peeking or have you already given up?


















Answer:





In all of the listed words, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out?

Here was my joke of the day:

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8 , and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

American Beer
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

Three boys eating lunch at school. The first boy says, my dad is really something, he can eat a whole pizza by himself. The second boy says, so my dad can eat 2 pizzas by himself. The third boy says thats nothing. My dad can eat a window shade! The other two boys confused said how do you know he can eat a window shade? The third boy said, I went to the bathroom the other night, walked past mom and dads bedroom, and heard dad tell mom Pull down that window shade honey, I'm gonna eat that thing!

I would've just left the shade open

Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.

But Barbie wasn't even married to Ken... just shacking up together...

Yeah, that Barbie sure got around. i know she let me undress her pretty much whenever I wanted

Yeah she did him while he got her friend Midge pregnant with twins. (Anyone else have that doll growing up?)

A blond was driving in the country admiring the scenery when she came upon a flock of sheep. She'd always liked sheep so she stopped to pet them. She noticed the farmer on top of the hill and called him over. She asked him if she guessed the exact number of sheep in his flock, if she could have one. Well thinking she had no chance in hell he agreed. "438" she said.
"Yuor right" said the farmer who was surprised to say the least. She went over the fence to pick her sheep and then headed towards her car. Before leaving she turned to the farmer and asked if he wanted to know how she'd guessed correctly.
"No", said the farmer. "But I'd like my dog back."




One more blond joke.

A blond was driving down the road when she started having car trouble. She pulled into a mechanics shop to get it fixed. it took no time at all befor ethe mechanic came out and told her it was done.

"What was wrong with it?" she asked.
"Shit in the carburator" he said.
"How often do I have to do that?" she said.

Wife saves Drunk Husband
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

now that's a good wife.

A GAY MAN'S FINAL CHANCE AT FUN!


Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.

He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.'

'Well,"she said,''he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. "And it was done.

The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? "She said, "Well,he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much."

The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question."What would you like to do with his body?"

The gay man responded, "Well,my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well,the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner,throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!"

Bondi might like this one.


A texan farmer goes to Austarlia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that big." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." the conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Taxan sees a herd of kangaroos hoping thru the field. He asks "And what are those?" The Aussie fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you hva eany grasshoppers in Texas?"

Good one, Nat.
here's my joke of the day. It's an old one, but still funny.

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."

Good one hun

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place

Here's my new joke of the day:

A man setting in a bar next to a beautiful lady, who's wearing the tightest fitting pants he has ever seen. He keeps looking at her with wide eyes, so she finally asks, "What's wrong?"


He said, "Lady, I hope you don't mind my being too presumptuous, but I was wondering, just how does a person get into a pair of pants like that?"


She looks at him, smiles, and says, "You might start by buying me a drink."

Ok Austin Powers not that funny.

Hey, I just copied and pasted the joke of the day that was emailed to me. I don't write 'em, I just plagiarize.

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again her husband died. But, she re-married and had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Satnding before her coffin, the preaher prayed for her. He thanked the lord, for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied " I think he means he legs."

Funeral Funny!


A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.



At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."



The proctologist fainted

absolutely hilarious!!!

And oldie but goodie

1-800-PSYCHIC
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Here's my joke of the day. Not funny, but it made me chuckle:


A blind man with a seeing-eye dog goes into a large Department Store.

He wanders about for a while, then stops, snatches the dog up by its tail, and begins to twirl it around over his head.

Upon seeing this, a clerk goes to the blind man and says "May I help you, sir?", to which the blind man responds, "No, thank you, I.m just looking around."

Here's one the kids can tell...

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one.
The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."
A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts"
The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.."