The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is
contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is
called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the
past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected
include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with
messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to
incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia,
inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by
misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of
geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy,
categorical all-or-nothing behavior, and the inability to pronounce the
word nuclear.
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive
disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
Full Version: Jokes
Subject: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too cool to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Yes, thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: MAC?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer is Lou?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: MAC?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO:! Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for wind! ows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you c lick the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: W! hy not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too cool to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Yes, thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: MAC?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer is Lou?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: MAC?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO:! Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for wind! ows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you c lick the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: W! hy not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
Women in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm 'n
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a
heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm 'n
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a
heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive.
QUOTE(evade20 @ May 31 2006, 10:23 AM)
Women in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm 'n
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a
heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm 'n
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a
heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Absolutely hilarious
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
No Specka de English
The bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'
The bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'
QUOTE(foxy lady @ May 31 2006, 12:52 PM)
No Specka de English
The bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'
The bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'
QUOTE(Bobaloo @ May 31 2006, 12:31 PM)
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
(A Message from John
Cleese To the citizens of the United States of
America):
"In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
"neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels - (look up
vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save
The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are
hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without
the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real
chips. Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist
on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell
attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will
stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are
aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due(backdated to
1776
(A Message from John
Cleese To the citizens of the United States of
America):
"In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
"neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels - (look up
vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save
The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are
hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without
the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real
chips. Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist
on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell
attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will
stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are
aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due(backdated to
1776
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a day."
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a day."
QUOTE(foxy lady @ May 31 2006, 09:46 PM)
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a day."
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a day."
This pic from Kathleen's thread made me think up this one (admittedly male bashing)
Why is a man better than a cactus?
Because were not ALL such pricks.
QUOTE(evade20 @ Jun 2 2006, 10:29 AM)
This pic from Kathleen's thread made me think up this one (admittedly male bashing)
Why is a man better than a cactus?
Because were not ALL such pricks.
Debatable but funny
QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 2 2006, 10:32 AM)
Debatable but funny
ooooo Maybe Kathleen is trying to develop a thornless cactus variety.
Robot Bartender
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and
then>asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot
proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors,
quantum physics and Spirituality, biomimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the Kama
Sutra.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "this is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man
responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking about
NASCAR, supermodels, hunting, beer and women's breasts.
Really! impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He! heads out and returns, the robot serves him
and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the
robot says... Real slowly... "So............... Ya gonna vote for Bush
again?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and
then>asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot
proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors,
quantum physics and Spirituality, biomimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the Kama
Sutra.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "this is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man
responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking about
NASCAR, supermodels, hunting, beer and women's breasts.
Really! impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He! heads out and returns, the robot serves him
and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the
robot says... Real slowly... "So............... Ya gonna vote for Bush
again?"
QUOTE(evade20 @ Jun 6 2006, 10:01 PM)
Robot Bartender
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and
then>asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot
proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors,
quantum physics and Spirituality, biomimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the Kama
Sutra.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "this is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man
responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking about
NASCAR, supermodels, hunting, beer and women's breasts.
Really! impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He! heads out and returns, the robot serves him
and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the
robot says... Real slowly... "So............... Ya gonna vote for Bush
again?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and
then>asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot
proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors,
quantum physics and Spirituality, biomimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the Kama
Sutra.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "this is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man
responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking about
NASCAR, supermodels, hunting, beer and women's breasts.
Really! impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He! heads out and returns, the robot serves him
and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the
robot says... Real slowly... "So............... Ya gonna vote for Bush
again?"
A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of fighting. "How are we faring?" his king asks.
"Very well, sire," replies the knight. "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf, burning the towns of all your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
"Very well, sire," replies the knight. "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf, burning the towns of all your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
Sometimes this is true even on this board:
I have a German Shepherd that likes to chew things up. Fortunately this has never happened.
I have a German Shepherd that likes to chew things up. Fortunately this has never happened.
QUOTE(evade20 @ Jun 9 2006, 11:36 PM)
http://www.ratemymelons.com/chat/uploads/p...-1148801596.jpg[/img]
I have a German Shepherd that likes to chew things up. Fortunately this has never happened.
I have a German Shepherd that likes to chew things up. Fortunately this has never happened.
That is just freaking hilarious......I know what I'm buying for my inlaws dog for Xmas
QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 9 2006, 11:46 PM)
That is just freaking hilarious......I know what I'm buying for my inlaws dog for Xmas A .gif is worth a thousand words.
Or mabe the .gif that keeps on giving.
QUOTE(evade20 @ Jun 10 2006, 12:00 AM)
A .gif is worth a thousand words.
Or mabe the .gif that keeps on giving.
Or mabe the .gif that keeps on giving.
You mean, it's the .gif that keeps of .gifing
QUOTE(foxy lady @ May 31 2006, 09:46 PM)
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a day."
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a day."
I've passed this joke on to several people.
Now here is a funny thing:Johnfreak posts a birthday list every morning and I regularly go through and send happy birthday greetings out to the some of the members of that list. This morning I noticed that it was Esmeralda's birthday. Now you might ask, "Who the hell is Esmeralda?" Beats me?
The funny thing is her (alleged) location: State= Vatican City, Country= Holy See (Vatican City). Maybe we have a kinky Sister among us. The other funny birthday, today, is someone with the user name "lemon." Yesterday, Frenchguy_pa posted a chart in a topic which he named "And You?" in the "Shoot the breeze" conference. One of the pictured shapes of breasts was "lemon". When I went to wish lemon a happy birthday, I got an error message saying that the email list was empty...Bogus lemons, I guess.
QUOTE(evade20 @ Jun 10 2006, 09:54 AM)
I've passed this joke on to several people. Now here is a funny thing:
Johnfreak posts a birthday list every morning and I regularly go through and send happy birthday greetings out to the some of the members of that list. This morning I noticed that it was Esmeralda's birthday. Now you might ask, "Who the hell is Esmeralda?" Beats me? The funny thing is her (alleged) location: State= Vatican City, Country= Holy See (Vatican City). Maybe we have a kinky Sister among us.
The other funny birthday, today, is someone with the user name "lemon." Yesterday, Frenchguy_pa posted a chart in a topic which he named "And You?" in the "Shoot the breeze" conference. One of the pictured shapes of breasts was "lemon". When I went to wish lemon a happy birthday, I got an error message saying that the email list was empty...Bogus lemons, I guess.
Now here is a funny thing:Johnfreak posts a birthday list every morning and I regularly go through and send happy birthday greetings out to the some of the members of that list. This morning I noticed that it was Esmeralda's birthday. Now you might ask, "Who the hell is Esmeralda?" Beats me?
The funny thing is her (alleged) location: State= Vatican City, Country= Holy See (Vatican City). Maybe we have a kinky Sister among us. The other funny birthday, today, is someone with the user name "lemon." Yesterday, Frenchguy_pa posted a chart in a topic which he named "And You?" in the "Shoot the breeze" conference. One of the pictured shapes of breasts was "lemon". When I went to wish lemon a happy birthday, I got an error message saying that the email list was empty...Bogus lemons, I guess.
I'm glad you liked the joke
But now you got me wondering ... what fruit am I ?
QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 10 2006, 04:30 PM)
I'm glad you liked the joke
But now you got me wondering ... what fruit am I ?
But now you got me wondering ... what fruit am I ?
I'd have to use body braille to fined out!
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies the cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the
man's pecker hanging out of his fly for all the world to see...
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies the cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the
man's pecker hanging out of his fly for all the world to see...
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 12 2006, 10:42 AM)
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies the cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the
man's pecker hanging out of his fly for all the world to see...
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies the cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the
man's pecker hanging out of his fly for all the world to see...
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
Great joke, Foxy!!!
here's my joke of the day
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
here's my joke of the day
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
QUOTE(Bobaloo @ Jun 14 2006, 09:30 AM)
Great joke, Foxy!!!
here's my joke of the day
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
here's my joke of the day
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
Ouch
QUOTE(Bobaloo @ Jun 14 2006, 08:30 AM)
Great joke, Foxy!!!
here's my joke of the day
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
here's my joke of the day
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
How did gnappy get past security anyways??
Unlucky Flea
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"
The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".
The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"
The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".
The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 14 2006, 01:27 PM)
Unlucky Flea
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"
The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".
The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"
The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".
The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
QUOTE(Bobaloo @ Jun 14 2006, 08:30 AM)
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
Jokes are so much funnier when they're from personal experience
Note: not from my experience
QUOTE(belicked6924 @ Jun 14 2006, 07:31 PM)
Jokes are so much funnier when they're from personal experience
Note: not from my experience
Note: not from my experience
Closeup's stick figure experience....That's Closeup not closeup2, closeup3, closeup4,...er whatever.
A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site.
She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.
Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"
The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"
She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.
Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"
The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"
Only I Can Have This!
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says,
"See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,
"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says,
"See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,
"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 16 2006, 04:21 PM)
Only I Can Have This!
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says,
"See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,
"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says,
"See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,
"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
OOOOO! Foxy, Your so hot....
NEWFIE IN THE MORGUE
Clyde the Newfie died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly
and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So they sent
for his two best friends, Danny and Joey.
Danny went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Danny said,
"Yees bye he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Danny looked down and
said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Joey in to identify the body and Joey took a look at him and said,
"Yees by, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."
The Mortician rolled him over and Joey looked down and
said: "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Joey said, "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yees bye, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.
Every time the three of us went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Clyde with them two assholes ."
Clyde the Newfie died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly
and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So they sent
for his two best friends, Danny and Joey.
Danny went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Danny said,
"Yees bye he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Danny looked down and
said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Joey in to identify the body and Joey took a look at him and said,
"Yees by, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."
The Mortician rolled him over and Joey looked down and
said: "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Joey said, "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yees bye, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.
Every time the three of us went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Clyde with them two assholes ."
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the
urinal. The guy has no
arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to
himself how the poor wretch
is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks
Bob to help him out
.. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks,
Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH,
yeah, OK... Bob pulls
it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes,
moles, scabs and reeks
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points
it for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I
really appreciate it. Bob
says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls
his arms out of shirt
and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
urinal. The guy has no
arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to
himself how the poor wretch
is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks
Bob to help him out
.. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks,
Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH,
yeah, OK... Bob pulls
it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes,
moles, scabs and reeks
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points
it for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I
really appreciate it. Bob
says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls
his arms out of shirt
and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 22 2006, 11:47 AM)
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the
urinal. The guy has no
arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to
himself how the poor wretch
is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks
Bob to help him out
.. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks,
Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH,
yeah, OK... Bob pulls
it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes,
moles, scabs and reeks
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points
it for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I
really appreciate it. Bob
says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls
his arms out of shirt
and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
urinal. The guy has no
arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to
himself how the poor wretch
is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks
Bob to help him out
.. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks,
Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH,
yeah, OK... Bob pulls
it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes,
moles, scabs and reeks
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points
it for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I
really appreciate it. Bob
says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls
his arms out of shirt
and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
that is absolutely disgusting yet twice as funny!
QUOTE(Bobaloo @ Jun 22 2006, 03:51 PM)
that is absolutely disgusting yet twice as funny!
I thought so too
QUOTE(ndboxer @ Jun 14 2006, 10:42 AM)
How did gnappy get past security anyways??
bastard!
QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 22 2006, 09:47 AM)
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the
urinal. The guy has no
arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to
himself how the poor wretch
is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks
Bob to help him out
.. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks,
Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH,
yeah, OK... Bob pulls
it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes,
moles, scabs and reeks
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points
it for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I
really appreciate it. Bob
says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls
his arms out of shirt
and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
urinal. The guy has no
arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to
himself how the poor wretch
is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks
Bob to help him out
.. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks,
Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH,
yeah, OK... Bob pulls
it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes,
moles, scabs and reeks
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points
it for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I
really appreciate it. Bob
says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls
his arms out of shirt
and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 22 2006, 04:02 PM)
I thought so too
Must be one of those Nurse Jokes.
My sister was an OR nurse who pretty much speciallized in open heart surgury in a big urban hospital. She use to tell some of the rauchiest jokes that she had heard over someone's split open chest...frequently told by one of the surgeons. She claimed it was a way to relieve the tension which you could cut with a knife (er I mean a scapel). She has since retired from the profession.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"Two prostitutes -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same officer was in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter .. $50"
_________________________________________________
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit."
"Two prostitutes -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same officer was in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter .. $50"
_________________________________________________
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit."
QUOTE(evade20 @ Jun 23 2006, 10:29 PM)
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"Two prostitutes -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same officer was in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter .. $50"
_________________________________________________
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit."
"Two prostitutes -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same officer was in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter .. $50"
_________________________________________________
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit."
Now that is funny
QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 23 2006, 11:39 PM)
Now that is funny
Which one?
QUOTE(evade20 @ Jun 23 2006, 11:49 PM)
Which one?
The hubby giving himself away
Take Your Choice
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 26 2006, 09:46 AM)
Take Your Choice
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
YUK!
QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 26 2006, 09:46 AM)
Take Your Choice
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
Some bitches never learn!
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