Worst Joke Ever

Damn, RD, if you're going to post a joke that has been forwarded several times by email, at least edit out the control characters like ">>>>".

Besides, if you got it by email, so did everyone else...probably six years ago!

A fired up evade

So sorry to upset you....do I owe you some money???...Did I back into your car???....Did I cut in front of you in line at Walmart???...Did I kick your dog??? As you should have noticed, it is a joke thread, and I told a joke. Sorry it wasnt edited for your specifications, and due to the fact that I am not on this board nearly as much as you are, I did get this "joke" only yesterday, and thought it would b nice to share with others. So the past 6 years, this joke must have missed me, as well as others.....I am not as timely as you are.

Go ahead and get in your car and go run over a cat for at least 6 times...or yell at the old lady in the grocery line for not moving so fast...I think you would feel better.....

FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle" he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at
the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those
symbolize Christmas?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins....

I liked your joke and had never heard it before.

but in evade's defence, you probably just figured out how to email 2 weeks ago

It'll be three weeks next Wednesday.

"She kick my dog, and now I'm going to fuck her! No, I'm not! Just kidding!"

I don't know if anyone will get that, but I do and it's hilarious.

so hiliarious, in fact, it warrants this here smiley

I do, jerky!

Two second graders are walking home from school.
One looks at the other and says, "I can't believe Mrs Myers flunked us in sex-ed. My father is gonna kill me." "Yeah", says the second one. "I'm so pissed, I could kick her in the balls."

Great joke, Janeyanne!

now that's humor. Great joke. I'm going to tell that one tonight.




I sure wish I had friends, cuz i dont' think my fish will understand the joke.

A gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated. After the operation he mournfully complained to a fellow miner, "I supposed I'm fucked now. Who would ever want a one-legged gold digger?"
"Try Paul McCartney," his friend replied.

The only jokes I know are either extremely racist or extremely sexist or a healthy combination of both.... Im sure they wouldnt sit well here

I'm quite low brow.

I swear as soon as I posted my last post I knew you or bob were going to say that!

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

I woulda, but Gnappy was too quick!

A guy was telling a bartender (Bondi ) that he met his wife in a brothel .

You should be happy about that its actaully kind of romantic .

Oh Yeah ? responded the guy ( well i thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling ...

He is very, very fast! (Or so his wife tells me)

burn baby burn ..

roflmao, that's fuckin great.


I hate that bitch. Does she really think she'll win a court case in Britain against a Beatle? yah right! He could come out and say that he beat her w/ her own wooden leg then pass out old Beatles memorabilia and everyone would forget it ever happened.

I'd pay money to see that!

This could of went under "Thought for the Day"

So my next door neighbour's son is 15. He is a pretty cool kid and he often sticks his head over the fence for a chat when I am in the yard.

So yesterday I am in the backyard and he leans over the fence. "Hey John, how are you mate?" I say to him. His reply, "Not good bondi, I am grounded!"

I am a bit shocked, because is usually a good kid. I asked him, "Why did you get grounded?" and his swift response was, "I got caught having sex with my teacher!"

I couldn't believe it! I was stunned. I said to him, "Fuck it mate, a week inside is a small price to pay when you are 15 and fucking your teacher. I can't believe it, you are a champion, a hero! I bet all your mates are idolising you know!"

I continue with, "So when are you going to do it again buddy?"

He sayd, "Not for a while, my arse still hurts!"

hahaha, best one I've heard in awhile.

Thank you, try the veal!

Seriously though it is a great joke to tell when you mask it as a true story. I remember hearing it for the first time when I was 15 and my football coach told the rest of the team about one of the players who couldn't make training that night. When we asked why, that was his story... he had us hooked in until the last line.... use it on your friends

Speaking of SEX:

A dog named sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was nine years old.”

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." T

The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.”

two ladies in the hair salon ...


My man is hung like a horse . the first bragged to her friend .

Mine is hung like a baby , the other said ..

Really that small ? the first asked ..

Not really the second replied , It weighs 7 pounds and 4 ounces .

Old Man.....



The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then
Starts putting on his coat. His wife, noticed the unexpected behavior.

She asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."



She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some
of that Viagra stuff."



Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out
of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.



He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the
Doctor, too."



He says, "Why, what do you need?"



She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a tetanus shot.....

WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
Your underwear is £1.99 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24
in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Not sure if this should be in here, but what the hell.
This is one of the funniest Videos I've seen for ages.

The council in Manchester England installed some retractable bollards to stop people using bus lanes. It's causing a bit of uproar with the public

Click on the link to find out why...

PS keep an eye on the windscreen of the white van right at the end ...

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/flvpla...rt=true&fs=true

Those bollards are so dangerous, I can't beleive the gov't thinks they're a good idea. People could get seriously hurt.

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he
comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.



The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.



It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.



He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.



"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from
the rain."



And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.



That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.



But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to
tell you something about my family before we go in."



"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."



"No problem," he says. And in they go.



Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack
of dirty dishes.



In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.



They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.



As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.



So he leans over and kisses Sandra.



No one says a word.



So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.



Still, nobody says a word.



So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table,
and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a
little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he
sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.



"She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the
dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the
dinner table.



Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.



All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.



Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "Hey, no problem,
I'll do the fuckin' dishes!"

Bollards is a funny word.


The people that hit them, we'd probably be better off getting rid of anyway.


priceless

Great jokes, ladies. Gnappy, I agree thinning the herd Darwin style is usually a good idea, those bollards seem to pop up unexpected because the person was behind a bus or truck and probably never even good a look at a warning sign. It's almost like having your head crushed in a closing elevator door because the door doesn't know you're there. I'm saying in most cases that would be a bad thing, but now that I think about it, a few heads I could think of would be just perfect.

There's flashing signs for about 150 yards before the bollards, plus it's painted on the road before you get to them. If anyone can't see the signs they shouldn't even be on the road if they're eyes are that bad !. I say it serves the f**kers right

If that's the case, I agree. I'd like to invent a prong that shoots out of a cell-phone into a persons ear if they try to talk and drive at the same time. Surgical steel, honed to a razor sharp point ,five or six inches long, ought to work just fine.

Homer: What can I do? I'm only one man.
Lisa: Lincoln was only one man.
Homer: Are you sure there wasn't a midget in his hat? I read an email that said there was.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is an "AMERICAN OF THE FEMALE PERSUASION."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE"

- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese ," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .


"Liver alone....Cheese Mine"

A NORWEGIAN DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS CANADA TO SEE THE PACIFIC
OCEAN WHEN HE GETS TO NANAIMO, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE
DECIDES
TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE MACMILLIAN-BLOEDEL OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN
APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOGGER. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY
JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.

BUT FIRST, THE BUSH FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE BUSH IN
THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A
TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES
IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.

THE NORWEGIAN PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "DATS DERE'S A SITKA SPRUCE, EH?
AND SHE GOT 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!!

HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.
HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE
SAME QUESTION.

THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"LORD TUNDERIN'!! DAT'S YER DOUGLAS FIR AND SHE GOT 690 BOARD
FEET." SAYS THE NORWEGIAN.

NOW THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED.

THE NORWEGIAN HAS ANSWERED QUICKLY AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT
WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST.

THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS
AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE
WINDOW
AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHS POINTING, THE NORWEGIAN SAYS, A YELLER
CEDAR, 242 BOARD FEET AT MOST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A
LITTLE PISSED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE NORWEGIAN IS SMARTER THAN
HE. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS THE
NORWEGIAN TO STEP OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS
HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE
FRONT OF THAT TREE!

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT!! HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS
THE FRONT OF THE TREE?

WHEN THE NORWEGIAN REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE
WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE
X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK.

"DAT'S DA FRONT A' DAT TREE FER SURE." THE NORWEGIAN STATES.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE
HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE NORWEGIAN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS
LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A
SHIT BEHIND IT, EH?"

HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!

The priest in a small village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up !

No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

A little boy was sitting on the curb
with a gallon of turpentine and

shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along
and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied,
"This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the
world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water
and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a
healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"

haha, that's great. I was laughing so hard I almost crashed my car while reading it.

now that was fucking funny.

Why did the blond buy curtains for her computer?