Off with his head!

A funny You_Tube production of Snakes on a Plane Early Auditions.

Definitely worth watching.

Math Lesson

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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?'
The guy says, 'I'm from Iowa.'
The bartender asks, 'What the heck you do in Iowa?'
The guy responds, 'I'm a taxidermist.'
The bartender asks, 'A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?'
The guy says nervously, 'I mount animals.'
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, 'It's okay boys, he's one of us!'

A white missionary was spreading the gospel to the dark natives deep in the jungle. He taught them to read and write, and he taught them good Christian ways. He particularly stressed the evils of sexual sin.
One day the chief's wife gave birth, and the tribesmen broke into the missionary's hut, seized him, and brought him to the chief, where they threw him face down in the dirt.
The missionary was very frightened, and feared for his life. Not raising his head from the floor, he asked, "Oh mighty chief, what have I, a poor white missionary, done to deserve your displeasure?"
"You hypocrite!" shouted the chief. "How dare you presume to teach us about sexual sin! Raise your head and look at this!" The chief held up his newborn child who was white! The missionary knew about albinos, but had no idea how to explain this to the chief. "I can explain how these things happen; please, let me stand." The chief allowed this, and the missionary explained, "What you have here is a natural occurrence - an albino. Look at your flock of sheep. All of them are white, yet among them is one black one. Nature occasionally allows things like this to happen."
The chief thought for a moment, and replied, "Tell you what. I won't blame you for the colour of my child, as long as you keep quiet about the sheep."

Now that's compromising for ya

Canary Wharf,

An American walking through the streets of London, passed under Canary Wharf (London's biggest building). As he stood there looking up, a lad joined him.
After a while, the American turned to the kid and said, 'Do you realize, son,that we have buildings like that in the States, only they're three times the size?'
'I'm not surprised,' said the kid. 'That's a Lunatic Asylum!'



And we house our craziest nuts in the White House!

Paradise:


A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

'Look at their reserve, their calm,' muses the Brit. 'They must be British.'

'Nonsense,' the Frenchman disagrees. 'They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.'

'No clothes, no shelter,' the Russian points out, 'they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian.'

that's a funny one

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the resident sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

A big burly biker walks into a bar and sits on an empty stool between 8 guys. After ordering a beer, he looks over to his left and says, " All you asswipes are a bunch of cocksuckers. Anybody got a problem with that?" Nobody says a word. He turns to his right and says, "And all you dickheads are a bunch of motherfuckers. Any one got a problem with that?" Again, silence. As he's taking a sip off his beer, he sees a guy on his right get up off his seat and come towards him. "You got a problem with what I'm saying?" he asks. "Oh, no sir," says the guy as he goes past, "I'm sitting on the wrong side of the bar."

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position,
so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their
search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all
the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the
best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman
is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man
is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's
name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give
their answers. The first one says "My answer is, there IS no
answer."

The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third guy says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or
Willie Nailer."

He got the job.

That's funny chelsey

so would ya turn'er or nail'er huh?

Ya mean I have to choose? I can't just turn her and then nailer?

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.

Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

I thought i told you to call your mom, she says. I did, he says, and she told me that if i could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

Might be a repeat...

Awoman went into a sports store to buy a fishing pole for her son. She found one that looked good and wanted to know more about it. She stopped the clerk that was walking down the aisle and asked"sir, could you tell me something about this rod and reel?" The man said " I am sorry, but I am blind. If you would throw the rod and reel on the counter, I can tell you all about it from the sounds it makes."

Thinking this was alittle strange,l she complys and thorws the rod and reel combo on the counter. The blind man says " that is a 404 zebco reel with anti-stretch brakes, a 10 pound test line and a 3/4 oz plug on it. Right now it is on sale this weekend for $20.00"

She looked at the blind man and said "Amazing...let me get out my money and pay for this." She pulled out the money, but it dfopped on the floor. As she was bending down, she let out a fart only she thought noone would hear. Embarassed, she put the money on the counter, and the blind man rang it up. "this will b a total of 33.50, please"

"But you told me it was $20.00!!. How can the price go up so fast?"

The blind man stated..."that is $20.00 for the combo, but the duck call is $10.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50!!!"

What, Is everyone out of jokes?

Three men are walking down the country lane one day and see a solitary sheep standing by the fence. The Australian, says "Gees mate, I wish that was Elle MacPherson". The Italian says "I wish that was Sophia Loren". The NZer looks sheepish and says "Phoo Aye boys, I just wish it was dark"

10 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE

10. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
9. I finished off the triple chocolate fudge ice cream, sorry.
8. It's not like your thighs are gonna stay that flabby forever... are they?
7. With a bod like that, you'd never guess that Angelina Jolie had a baby!
6. Whoa, for a minute there I thought I had woken up next to walrus!
5. I'm thinkin' we name the baby after my secretary, Buffy.
4. Ya know… I head that Richard Simmons guy does house calls now.
3. Oh here's the remote... it was lodged under your belly.
2. Britney Spears was cute.... until she started having kids.
1. You don't have the guts to pull the trigger...

oooo And you just got married! Your treading on dangerous territory.

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

'Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!

'Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!

'Irving, do you remember that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money.'

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, 'Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes...'

n the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom
loved to play together.


One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into
a bog and began to sink.


Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to
no avail, for he had gone to town with the only
tractor.


Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new
Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken
sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had
time to save his friend's life.


Back at the bog, the horse was
surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the
shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop
of rope the chicken tossed to him.



After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward
and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the
horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to
the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when
he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit,
and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the
horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled
the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
hangy - down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him
up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A
Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

This b for u evade20....

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He took a sip and heard a voice say, "Nice tie".
The only other person there was the bartender, and he was standing over at the opposite end of the bar. A few minutes later, the man heard another voice say, "Beautiful shirt".
The man called the bartender over. "I must be losing my mind, " he said. "I keep hearing voices that say nice things."
"It's the peanuts," the bartender said.
"What do you mean?" the man asked.
"It's the peanuts," the bartender repeated.
"They're complimentary."

?

Er, Dude....Perhaps this joke is on you. I'm a guy.

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-
year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out
on the Dong."


She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

WOW... that is lame

Here is a blonde joke for yall:



A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE c0ckPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.



I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON"
__________________

Cute.

Ok...heres another....nuns..


Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.



In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.



"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side the door.



The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.



"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

this vid is pretty funny...how NOT to dump your girlfriend...
http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1700331/

Seems like this could actually happen.

Nasty break up. Too bad the background static was so annoying. Somebody worked really hard to put captions on this.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004




The biggest joke of our times...too bad he is so f*cking dangerous.

good one.

You've noticed a similarity....

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

'Dammit woman!' he exclaimed. 'Did you lose everything?'

After careful scrutiny, the administration of a local school district
decided that a blonde student who challenged her grade had to be given
credit for her answer below. Consequently, the board of education has
warned all of the math teachers to be more explicit in the future when
giving instructions to students who are this "advanced."
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