NICE...I hate it when I have to wrestle a man out of his pants

I bet they usually cum easy for you though when you do

(we must be the only two folks around tonight)

I had not heard that before... not bad at all!

Ok I have two replies...

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. Why did God create woman ?
A. To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

and

Now, here is one Just for you, B

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?

A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Well, lets just see about that, shall we?

(yes, we were...it was very cozy)

Funny coz it's true! lol

Q. What do you say to your wife when she is blocking your view of the TV?
A. Why are you out of the kitchen?

Q. What do you DO if your wife is blocking your view of the TV?
A. Shorten her chain to the oven

not near cozy enough if you ask me

lol...those are terrible!!!

Q What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.





i agree...

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

Thats good!

See if this one has been said before.

Q. How do you know when your ugly?

A. When the dog humps your leg with his eyes closed.

Not bad...

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it

Q. What do you call three blondes standing in a row?

A. A wind tunnel.

nice one

oh very nice...lol

Q: How do you tell when a woman is going to say something smart?

A: She starts her sentence .....A man once told me........

Man translations...

When a man says: CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

He means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

I got one..

Q. How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

A.

Beautiful... I love it!



Tell me the answer dammit!

> >>Subject: Diplomatic
> >>A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of
> >>lettuce.
> >>The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole

> >>heads of lettuce.
> >>
> >>The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask

> >>his manager about it.
> >>
> >>Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some
> >>asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
> >>sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he

> >>added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other
> >>half."
> >>
> >>The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
> >>
> >>Later the manager said to the boy, "I was
>impressed with the way
> >>you
> >>got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think

> >>on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
> >>
> >>"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
> >>
> >>"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
> >>
> >>The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up

> >>there."
> >>
> >>"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
> >>
> >>"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
> >

Did you hear about the flasher who was gonna retire?


He decided to stick it out for another year.

lol that joke sounds like it should have a multitude of sound effects after it and then roll to a song

Q. Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?






A. Hookers can wash the crack and resell it.

A classic:

Damn, Cut that dude off!

Check this out:

It reminds me of your former sig. pic that seems to have disappeared....

This one?

No!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?”, she asked.

“Hunting Flies”, he responded.

“Oh. ! Killing any?”, she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 females”, he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.“.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...

(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)


It says, "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynaecologist."

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up quite a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs, and launches during the system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications like Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Monday Night Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not seem to work on this program. Can you help me PLEASE!?!?

Thanks, Joe

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely utilities and entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything. It is very unlikely that you will be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within the system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained other than small change of scenery. It is impossible to purge, delete, or un-install the program files from the system once they are installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have gone as far as installing Girlfriend 8.0 in a hidden subdirectory, or tried installing Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system had. Detection of Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 can result in Wife 1.0 creating general protection faults such as "Warning- Cannot find Alimony or Child Support files, or files are out of date." Because Wife 1.0's directories and sub-directories are almost impossible to understand or modify, some over-rides have been installed to assist you in (at least) making Wife 1.0 a livable experience.

I recommend that you attempt the following at the onset of ANY problems that you might have. After any system crash, Wife 1.0 WILL give you an opportunity to fix the problem yourself (although you might not see the opportunity, it IS there, you just have to look for it). At the C prompt enter the following:

c:\apologize

Generally this should work, unless you have truly created a massive error. In any case, avoid hitting the "Esc" key at all costs! There are also add-ons that you can install to assist you in your efforts. Try buying a copy of Flowers 4.1 or Chocolates 5.5, or both for really big errors. Do not, under ANY circumstances install Secretary v38.24.36 with short skirt upgrade! This is not a supported application for any of the Wife OR Girlfriend series programs, and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the system.

Best of Luck, Tech Support

thats a crack up

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Absolutely greatt!!

check this out:

a nice repeat

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

OUCH !!!!!

Well, sometimes life is a bitch
You come home after a long, hard work day.
You really hope that your unemployed and not so intelligent wife at least has cooked some dinner for you.
You struggle to get up the steps, find the key and open the door to your residence, and then you find your wife sitting there on her ass, eating dinner that she has cooked for HERSELF ONLY!
Unbelievable. She has been home the whole day and she couldn't even cook you dinner.
You think to yourself, why the hell did I marry her ???

















[attachmentid=62085]







Next Question....

The Harley-Davidson Facts



The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles

have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson

motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise

and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes..'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

[attachmentid=63976]


2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds

[attachmentid=63977]


3.. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

[attachmentid=63974]



4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5.. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

[attachmentid=63975]



'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

In support of Barack Obama, Women all over the United States are shaving their pussies !

Their message Read our lips no more Bush

Barack Obama has only been president a few hours and already he has helped the american economy.
















Sales of Guns,white bed sheets and rope have hit the roof.