The Monkey



A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.



While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

The Doctor tells his patient he has good news and bad news, which does he want first. The guy says, "Give me the bad news first". Doc says," I'm sorry to say you've only got two weeks to live". "That's terrible", the guy says. "What's the good news?. The Doctor points to the outer office and says, "See that pretty blonde receptionist with the big tits? I'm fucking her."

love it!

An elderly couple go to see a doctor because they’re having trouble remembering things. After an exam, the doctor says, “You’re fine, but you should write notes to help your memory.”

That night the old woman gets up to go to the kitchen. “Will you get me some vanilla ice cream with strawberries?” the husband asks.

“Sure,” says the wife.

“Shouldn’t you write it down?”

“I don’t have to,” she insists. “It’s vanilla ice cream with strawberries.”

Twenty minutes later she returns with a plate of bacon and eggs.

“Goddamn it,” he yells. “You forgot my fucking toast!”

I really like a joke I can remember and this one is funny enough to repeat.

Two Jewish men, 'Sid' and 'Al' were sitting in a
Mexican restaurant.
Sid asked Al, 'Are there any people of our faith
born and raised in
Mexico?

Al replied, 'I don't know, let's ask our waiter.'

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there
any Mexican Jews?'

and the waiter said, 'I don't know Senor, I'll ask
the cooks.'

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and
said 'No sir, no
Mexican Jews.'

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked,
'Are you absolutely
sure?'

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'Gringos'
gave the expected
answer, 'I will check again, Senor!' and went back
into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, 'I find it
hard to believe that there


are no Jews in Mexico , God said our people are
scattered everywhere.'

The waiter returned and said, 'Senor, the head cook
says 'No Mexican
Jews!'

Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I can't
believe there are no
Mexican Jews!'

'Senor, I ask EVERYONE,' replied the exasperated
waiter. 'We have

orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape
Jews, but no one
ever hear of Mexican Jews!!!'

wow thats is awesome

I'm loving his thread, Thankyou to all you have posted some great laughs so far!!!

Bouncey

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument

about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex
more
than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about

this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle
it
around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your
finger?"

love that one!

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed
that he was still there.

Men are all liars....

but, completely irresistible!

ok...how did you know??? I am a completely irresistable liar....

mmmm....really....
how sad that that made me hot! there is something wrong with me! lol
not to mention a Texan ....got a soft spot for Texans!

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

HAROLD THE COMPUTER GUY

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ‘ID ten T’ error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ‘ID ten T error’? What's that - in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ‘ID ten T’ errors before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down. I D 1 0 T















I used to like Harold...

that was good!!

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get

married.



She said: I want to keep my house.



He said that's fine with me.



She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.



He said: That's fine with me.



She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.



He said: That's fine with me......Put me down for

Fridays..

Apologies if i've offended any men here, but I couldn't resist it !

[attachmentid=45043]

thats what Im talking about in babys thread !!!!!!

>>> > A very attractive blonde woman from Iowa arrived at a casino and
>>> >bet
>>> >twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
>>> >She
>>> >
>>> >said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
>>> >completely nude."
>>> >
>>> >With that, she stripped from
>>>the neck down, rolled the dice and
>>> >yelled,
>>> >
>>> >"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
>>> >
>>> >As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
>>> >"YES!
>>> >YES! I WON, I WON!"
>>> >
>>> >She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
>>> >her
>>> >
>>> >clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
>>> >dumbfounded.
>>> >
>>> >Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
>>> >"I
>>> >
>>> >don't know - I thought you were watching."
>>> >
>>> >Moral - Not all Iowans are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but
>>> >all
>>> >men are men.







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail beta.

well as a man I can even say this is true !!!!!!!

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom
loved to play together.


One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into
a bog and began to sink.


Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to
no avail, for he had gone to town with the only
tractor.


Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new
Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken
sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had
time to save his friend's life.


Back at the bog, the horse was
surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the
shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop
of rope the chicken tossed to him.



After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward
and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the
horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to
the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when
he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit,
and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the
horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled
the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
hangy - down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him
up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A
Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

But it wouldn't hurt to have one anyway!

I'd like to see Aimee riding a Harley naked!

I've been on back topless!

Pics???

Waiting!

Sorry evade none taken.

"
IT'S TIME AGAIN FOR YOUR MAN'S ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" EXAMINATION

>

> 1. If you are over thirty five, and you have a washboard stomach,

>You are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys.

>And you have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics,

>and doing the Oprah diet.

>

> 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaaming homo. A cat is like a

>dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself,

>has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be

>fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I

>said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a

>cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be

>framed, you're so gay.

>

> 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such

>nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on

>bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet,
>or tits. Anything else

>and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

>

> 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a

>parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is

>his bathroom; he craps and urinates where he pleases.

>

> 5. If you drink decaf coffee, you like a high hard one in the poop chute.

>A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If

>you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

>

> 6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different Types

>of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A

>real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that

>Crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league,

>NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse

>or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY

>type of Textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

>

> 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying

>to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk

>at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he

>Needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his

>beer, scratch his balls, or play with his broad in the passenger seat.

I'll go along with all but #2. I used to have a 25lb Maine Coon Cat (named Bart) and if you pissed him off, his claws could rip you a new asshole. The dogs in the neighborhood would go out of their way to avoid him. He wasn't mean or nasty, just big and didn't like to be fucked with. I remember one day I was doing something in the front yard and Bart was sitting out on the lawn enjoying the sun. This big dog comes strolling down the street and for some reason the two animals didn't see each other until the dog was right in front my cat. Bart jumped straight up in the air and came down on this dogs back with all four claws dug right in. That dog couldn't have been more startled if you'd have shoved a cattle prod up his ass. Bart looked like a rodeo rider as this dog tried to shake him off. Bart finally let go and that dog took off yelping and whimpering and I'm sure he learned his lesson about walking up to a big cat.

that sound like one crazy cat!






















by the way, you're obviously gay

sounds like a alley cat .

He wasn't an alley cat, he was just a big coon cat. Most people aren't familar with that breed but they are big and the are pretty much fearless. He could do some major damage if you pissed him off. Tweny-five pounds doesn't sound big, but when you add in the claws, that's something else. He could easily put his paws over the sink and the kitchen counter. I saw him jump over the sofa from the floor to the floor many times. Google "Maine Coon Cat" under the image icon and take a look at what these cats look like.

I guess I should be adding more to this ....



A guy is getting ready for a costume party but is having trouble deciding what to be. He goes to the party and the host opens the door. The host sees the guy standing there with no socks, shoes or a shirt. " What the hell are you supposed to be? " The host asks. The guy replies " Im a premature ejaculation, I just came in my jeans. "

Not only do I like it, I'll actually remember it. That's the mark of a good joke.

I guy gets out of the shower , he has a raging hardon , he goes into his bedroom and asks his wife (you wanna have sex?) she says no I have a headache , he says thats okay I just rubbed my cock down with some powdered aspirin , you want it orally or anal ?????

bulimia - twice the taste with none of the calories

They say 90% of people say "OH SHIT" just before going into the ditch while driving. The other 10% are rednecks that say "here hold my beer and watch this".

This was the top joke in the UK:

“ A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
”

And in Australia the top joke was as follows:

“ This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
”

That was the top Australian joke?

Yeah, according to Wikipedia.

closeup, that UK joke was funny as hell!

An old man, hard of hearing, goes to a new doctor. He brings his wife along with him to help him in case he can't hear what the doctor says. The doctor comes in the room and says, "All right, sir, since you are a new patient, I'm going to need a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample"

The old man turns to his wife and says, "What'd he say?"

The wife replies, "Just give him your underwear!"

Maine coon cats are awesome!