Top 10 Signs Your "Baby" Is Too Old For Breastfeeding

10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

A little boy saw his mother changing clothes and saw her tits for the first time. He asked what they were and she told him that "they are mommy's baloons, someday when I die, the baloons will float me up to heaven". That seemed to satisfy the little boy.
A few days later, the boy's father got a frantic phone call. "Come home quick, Daddy, Mommy's dying". he screamed.
"How do you know"? asked the father
"Because Uncle Ted is blowing up her baloons and she's screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming"

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large,burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

very good really liked them

those are good! I should try the $10,000 one lol

he he

So one day a guy is walking down the street and he spots this girl. Now this isnt any ordinary female, this is a prime specimen. beautiful, 5'9" with 4 foot long legs it seems. beautiful, perfectly formed face, great tight ass, long smooth legs, tight firm stomach, and the best boobs the guy has ever seen in his life. Right then and there he makes up his mind. "I have got to get those tits!"

So the guy follows the girl for a few moments and suddenly taps her on the shoulder, making her jump into the air a few inches and turn around, ready to slap someone. "Excuse me miss...im sorry for this interruption but i must say..you have the absolute BEST breasts ive ever seen in my life! i must bite them...may i please?"

The girl, of course, freaks out and is about ready to deck the guy, but keeps herself under control. "NO! ABSOLUTLEY NOT! Why on EARTH would i let you bite my breasts?"
"Well, i have this thing. Every time i see a good pair of breasts, i have to bite them. i am willing to pay you 10 dollars for it."
"no! absolutley not!" the chick runs away down the corner trying to get away from him.
The guy follows her and catches up to her yelling as he runs down the street "100 dollars!" "NO!"
she rounds a corner and he bursts into speed and catches up with her, cutting her off. "please, il give you 1,000 dollars. im begging ma'am"
"no!" she leaves again and runs into an alley, trying to avoid him.
Unfortunatley, it seems to be a dead end. He corners her and says "Il give you $10,000 to do it. im begging you ma'am, please!!"
the lady sits there and contemplates. its her body, and she would feel like a whore for doing it, but she could really use the money. Finally, after several long moments of contemplation, she decides to let the guy do it. she takes him farther back into the alleyway and unbuttons her blouse, revealing the most beautiful set of breasts known on gods green earth. the mans jaw drops to the floor and he immediatley starts squeezing, licking, sucking, pulling, rubbing, kissing, and groping her. after several minutes of the man doing everything BUT biting her chest, the woman starts to get agrivated.
"Are you going to bite my breasts or not!?"
"HELL NO! its too expensive!"

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon Me. " Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day the headline in the local newspaper read, "Chinese Waiter Crushed in Freak Accident!"

Three babies were playing together at daycare. "I hate my dinner," declared the oldest. "Each night it's the same thing - string beans. I hate string beans." "You think you have it bad," said next oldest. "For me it's always mashed peas. I hate peas." "You guys have it lucky," the youngest said. "I have to share a tit with a man that smokes Havana cigars."

90 year old couple are on their wedding night. The old woman comes out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a see through nightie.

" I have to warn you" , she told the old man, " I have acute angina"

The old man looked at her and said " Well thats great because your tits are UGLY AS HELL!!!!"




I would be remiss if I didn't add a joke here!!!!

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women. It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"... It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

Hope everyone enjoys...

Not really a breast joke: Why can't Smokey the Bears' wife get pregnant? Every time she gets hot, he throws sand on her and beats her with his shovel.

Oh I get it... I get jokes!

hahahah good stuff!

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because another pair of tits could eaisly fit there.

you Wise cracka!

Another.

So far so good!! Keep em coming

Like a bit of fun!!! I wonder where you can buy a pair of these!!

Here's another one worth a giggle....sorry chaps!!!

I only know 1 seeing as some of the others I knew have already been posted.

Do you know what the little bumps around the areola are for?
They're braille for "lick here"

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That's a good one!!

!!!!!

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.
"Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female such as Baywatch actress Pamela Lee is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout," declared gerontologist Dr. Franz Epping.
Dr. Epping and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.
The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.
"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Epping. "There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half."
Dr. Epping suggested that men over the age of 40 spend at least 10 minutes a day looking at breasts sized "D-cup" or greater. "We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."
Dr. Epping says he would advise U.S. males to watch "jiggle" shows on TV, rent low-budget women-in-prison movies and peruse men's magazines such as Playboy as often as possible.
The expert also listed several bosomy celebs whose headlights were most likely to yield a beneficial health effect. These amply endowed "angels of mercy" include Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi Moore.

Was this article before or after the one about all the benifits of swallowing sperm. Dr Epping says that if spread liberally over a woman's breasts, they will increase by one whole cup size. More research is need to prove this theory, however.

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hahahahaha.. Susssed no bundgy jumping for you

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A short guide to Malespeak:
"I'm a romantic."= "I'm poor."

"I want a commitment."= "I'm sick of jerking off."

"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"= "Nice tits."

"I have something important to tell you.:= "Get tested."

"I've been thinking alot."= You're not as attractiveas you were when I was drunk."

"I've learned alot from you."= "Next!"

closeup that was cool

that was a nice one

thats a good one

A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaning that as a doctor he simply could not. After another fifteen minutes passed, the woman begged him again. "Look I'm sorry, I just can't kiss you, In fact," he sighed, "I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

very good I like that one

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I hope you all like them my uncle sent them to me!!!

I have more that he sent and I will look for them

DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."

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LOVE MAKING FOR SENIORS

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in
bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the
bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice!

Morning sex???????
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he
turned over to his wife's side of the bed.

His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and
she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the
kitchen.Afraid that he might spoil things by getting
up, John called his little boy into the room and asked
him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy."

The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked
her son to take this to Daddy.

Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in
the kitchen."

His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to" take this to the poor dude upstairs."

Her note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand !

I hope you all like them as much as i did

Those were great, Mama. I liked the droopping tits one the most!