My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

----------------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

Ok here is one but I dont know if its been said already and if it has then I am sorry, just didnt feel like browsing through all the pages:

One Sunday, this guy is mowing his lawn when he noticed his cute blonde neighbour run out of the house check the mail shake her head, then run back in. Thinking nothing of it he keeps mowing, again she runs out and checks the mail gets aggrivated then runs back in. He stands and waits sure enough she runs back out checks the mail again, and runs back. This time he walks closer to the sidewalk and waits. When she comes out again he asks. "What's wrong its sunday?" the blonde turns to look at him and says "MY DAMN COMPUTER KEEPS SAYING "You've got mail" "

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9fFOelpE_8...player_embedded

Woman's Poem VS Man's Poem



WOMAN’S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf mute gymnastic nymphomaniac with big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t care.

omg, is that true???? lmao. seriously, that does sound like the perfect man to me.

Understanding Men....

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

It's so funny cause it's mostly true.

The genie and the broken window
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf…Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re really sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you… You see, I’m a genie , and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.

“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”

“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?”

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”

“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

“NO SHIT.” He said, “Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?”

UNCLEBUCK







isnt that a great joke

Do you know who makes the rules?

As sportsmen, it is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage, we,
without hesitation, play by the rules ...

We take care to understand the rules, we discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules .....

As golfers, we are ruled by the rules ..
Lord knows there are all kinds of rules in that game ..

And as citizens,
we must follow the rule of law for so many things we do every day


But just in case
you have been pondering this, all your life, as to whom actually makes
the rules, please note the following:





...I do hope this clears it up....

Some where there is (or was) a pic of Hott with a similar t-shirt on....

That is so true !!

A bumper sticker:

I used to be fucking stupid...til I divorced him!

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

LOLZ!

both winners, foxy!

A new neighbor…




A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, ‘What would you say is my best feature?’

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your ears.’

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?’

Clearing his throat, he stammered …. ‘Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…. that was me..

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.



A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO . This new boss is determinded to rid the company of all slackers . On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!!! The CEO walks up the guy and asks " how much money do you make a week ?" undaunted , the young fellow looks at him and replies " I make $ 200.00. a week " why ? The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams " here's a weeks pay , now GET OUT and don't come back!!! feeling pretty good about his first firing , the CEO looks around around the room and asks " does anyoneone want to tell me what that slacker did here? with a sheepish grin. One of the other workers mutters- "Pizza delivery guy "

Your eighth post... Welcome to RMM...now read the rules. There already is a Joke thread right here!!

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says business is booming, and prophets are going through the roof…

Daughter needs to borrow the family car
so she asks her Father and he says
you know what to do.

She gets down on her knees, unzips his pants
when she suddenly stops and says,

"Dad, there's shit all over your cock."

Somewhat embarrassed, the Father says,

"Oh, I forgot. Your brother borrowed the car."

thats nasty!

and as old as the joke about how to circumsize a red neck...
kick his sister in the jaw!

LMFAO............ i dont know wether to laugh or through up but both those are funny as hell!!!! lol

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. A tiny little man walks past him, and starts playing the piano.
The man says to the bartender "holy shit that guy is tiny! he's like barely a foot tall! and he's playing the piano like an incredible composer! where'd you get him!"
the bartender says "This magical lamp here, it's supposed to bring you cool shit.
The man asks if it works, and the bartender says "you can try it for $5.00"
the man rubs the lamp, and a genie pops out.
*cough cough* What...
the man is baffled and looks at the genie and says "I wish I had a million bucks!"
the genie says.. "I'll get right on that"
A few minutes later, the bar doors fly open, and the windows shatter. The bar room, is then filled with a million ducks.
The man is furious and says to the bartender "What the fuck is this shit! I asked for a million bucks! NOT DUCKS!"
the bartender replies with "You think i asked for a 12 inch pianist?"