The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At
the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so
you were the one who invented the
Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in
inventing something that's pretty unstable,
makes noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally
spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to
professional, you have some major design flaws
in your invention:


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much


4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust


5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed
in a few words and waited for the results. The
computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is
flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours.

Now I ride a harley, but here's a favorite of mine:

What's the difference between a haley and a vacuum cleaner...









the location of the dirtbag

Good one

BEANS

I met a sweet gentleman and we fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the smell of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table, took a seat and just as he was about to remove my
blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it
feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:
Happy Birthday!"



I fainted.

Late one night in a dark alley a snail was sliming his way home. A turtle approached and street robbed the snail at gun point. The police arrived to investigate and the detective asked the snail to tell him what happened. The snail said, "Well...I don't know... it all happened so fast."

What do you call a one legged woman?















Ilean----of course

So one atom says to another, "I think I've lost an electron."
the other atom says, "oh, my goodness. Are you sure?"
The first atom say, "oh, I'm positive."



Nothing like laughing at your own jokes.

What do you get if you cross a donkey with a onion?






an ass that makes you cry

How 'bout if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?


elephino

Or...

What do you call a deer with no eyes



no-eyed deer. ( you have to say it out loud to make it funny. being from the south would help too)

Just emailed to me for my joke of the day. Thought I'd share it.

Joke of the day:
Q. How do you know when your staying in an Alabama hotel?
A. When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the desk says "go ahead."

I heard a black comedian tell this one.

"You know ladies, what you heard about the black men is true. Why do you think they call us knee-grows?

So a guy goes into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing except for Saran Wrap.

the pshychiatrist says to the man, Oh, yeah. I can clearly see your nuts.

A blonde girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true that babies come out of the same place they put they're thingies?"

"Yes, dear" Replies her mother, pleased the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it all in detail to her daughter.

"But then when I have my baby," resonded the blonde, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

Two sperm are swimming thru a womans body.
One sperm looks over at the other and says, "I'm bushed, how much further is it to the uterus?
The other sperm says, " Uterus? We haven't even passed the esophagus."

Why can't Smokie the Bears wife get pregnant?
Every time she gets hot, he throws sand on her and beats her with a shovel.

I've got a million of them.
One day the lord came to adam and said:"I've got some good news and some bad news."

Adam said, "Well, give the good news first." The lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will give you great plaesure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam very excited, exclaimed," These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You'll never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

funny but true

I'm addicted now.

Two high school sweathearts graduated and bith wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted on the East coast and the guy on the West coast. They promised to be faithful and spend as much time together as posible. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to reply.

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters and e-mails trying to win her back.

Soon she became very annoyed with his persistance and sent hima polaroid of her sucking off her new boyfriend.

Well, needless to say he was heart-broken but also pissed-off. He wrote on the back of the photo the following,

"Dear Mom and Dad, ahving a great time at college, please send money! I'm getting pretty desperate!!" And mailed the pic to her parents.

staying with the adam and eve theme...

On the first day, God created the heavens and the earth, then he created man, then on the seventh day he rested. Then God created woman. And since then neither God nor man has rested.

Oh, great. So now my life story has become a joke

Natalie, I didn't realize your favorite bone was a funny bone.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...

I just was emailed this joke, which I think is the perfect complement to the joke I quoted...

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away....... "We're down here ..."

Ok Ok last one.
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going rate for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local newspaper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS!

The pastor was so plaesed with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time it won! The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT!

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter it in the races again.

The next day the paper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS!

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local neswpaper hearing this posted this headline: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a local farmer for ten dollars.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS!

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines said: NUN ANOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE1

tThey buried the Bishop they next day!

That joke works perfect on a computer screen. You can't look ahead. You have to keep scrolling down to read the joke. Sexy and funny, Natalie is the whole package.

LOL and I got all these jokes from a swingers/ hook up magazine. you Canadians might know it it's called La MAGAZINE.

I'm just so happy that my thread has caught on.....we could all use a good laugh now and then

Oh, that's it. I was just thinking that I needed a good laugh and then I saw that you posted in here. Well, I get here and no joke. hmph! That's it. I'm never coming to this thread again!!!


ha ha, just kidding!!

At the Superbowl



A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,
a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting
event in the
world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super
Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1970."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. ''Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...." ''No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink.

The bartender pours the drink and says "Listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket".

To this the guy replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home".

LMFAO!

that's a good one!!!

Why can't a lesbian be on a diet and wear make-up at the same time?


Because she can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

***: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting ******* (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!




Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Hilarious x 2

Speaking of lesbians...

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur???





lickalottapuss

I need me one of those dinosaurs

Or...

What do you call it when a girl goes in for a sex change operation???






addadictomy

Did I mention that I suffer from penis envy!

Suffer no more. you can "have" mine.

Flasher

There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first lady immediately had a stroke.

Then the second lady also had a stroke.

But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.