This one?

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No!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?”, she asked.

“Hunting Flies”, he responded.

“Oh. ! Killing any?”, she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 females”, he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.“.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...

(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)


It says, "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynaecologist."

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up quite a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs, and launches during the system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications like Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Monday Night Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not seem to work on this program. Can you help me PLEASE!?!?

Thanks, Joe

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely utilities and entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything. It is very unlikely that you will be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within the system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained other than small change of scenery. It is impossible to purge, delete, or un-install the program files from the system once they are installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have gone as far as installing Girlfriend 8.0 in a hidden subdirectory, or tried installing Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system had. Detection of Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 can result in Wife 1.0 creating general protection faults such as "Warning- Cannot find Alimony or Child Support files, or files are out of date." Because Wife 1.0's directories and sub-directories are almost impossible to understand or modify, some over-rides have been installed to assist you in (at least) making Wife 1.0 a livable experience.

I recommend that you attempt the following at the onset of ANY problems that you might have. After any system crash, Wife 1.0 WILL give you an opportunity to fix the problem yourself (although you might not see the opportunity, it IS there, you just have to look for it). At the C prompt enter the following:

c:\apologize

Generally this should work, unless you have truly created a massive error. In any case, avoid hitting the "Esc" key at all costs! There are also add-ons that you can install to assist you in your efforts. Try buying a copy of Flowers 4.1 or Chocolates 5.5, or both for really big errors. Do not, under ANY circumstances install Secretary v38.24.36 with short skirt upgrade! This is not a supported application for any of the Wife OR Girlfriend series programs, and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the system.

Best of Luck, Tech Support

thats a crack up

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Absolutely greatt!!

check this out:

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a nice repeat

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

OUCH !!!!!

Well, sometimes life is a bitch
You come home after a long, hard work day.
You really hope that your unemployed and not so intelligent wife at least has cooked some dinner for you.
You struggle to get up the steps, find the key and open the door to your residence, and then you find your wife sitting there on her ass, eating dinner that she has cooked for HERSELF ONLY!
Unbelievable. She has been home the whole day and she couldn't even cook you dinner.
You think to yourself, why the hell did I marry her ???

























Next Question....

The Harley-Davidson Facts



The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles

have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson

motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise

and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes..'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension




2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds




3.. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much





4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5.. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

In support of Barack Obama, Women all over the United States are shaving their pussies !

Their message Read our lips no more Bush

Barack Obama has only been president a few hours and already he has helped the american economy.
















Sales of Guns,white bed sheets and rope have hit the roof.

Barack Obama has created history.














He s the first black man to enter the white house without a mop and bucket.

hehehehehe

How do you change your dishwasher into a snowblower?






Hand her the shovel.

Cinderella Story

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, ‘Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?’

The fairy godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?’

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

‘The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.’

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, ‘Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother’

The fairy godmother replied, ‘It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?’

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, ‘I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.’
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: ‘You have one more wish; what shall it be?’

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, ‘I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.’

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, ‘Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.’

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…

‘Bet you’re sorry now that you cut my nuts off’

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a Blonde in Economy Class gets up & moves to the First Class section and sits down

The Flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her
ticket.

She then tells the Blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy
seat.

The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that
there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and
won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid
for economy, she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to return
to her original seat.

The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no
use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest
the Blonde who won't listen to reason.

'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak
blonde!'

The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,

'Oh I'm sorry – I had no idea', gets up and moves back to her seat in
Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her
move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, 'I told her First Class isn't
going to Melbourne '.


PS. I got no problem with blondes

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy Shit. That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running'

LOL

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, 'Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun.' The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, 'You're a surgeon, aren't you?'

'Yeah, how did you know?'

The man says, 'I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.'

'Oh, that makes sense', says the woman. ' You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?'

'Yeah', says the man , a bit surprised. 'How did you know?'

The woman answers, 'Because I didn't feel a thing.'

LOL that was a good one