[ Outline ] · Standard · Linear+ Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?

[foxy lady]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At
the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so
you were the one who invented the
Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in
inventing something that's pretty unstable,
makes noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally
spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to
professional, you have some major design flaws
in your invention:


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much


4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust


5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed
in a few words and waited for the results. The
computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is
flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours.

[evade20]

BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE



(A Message from John
Cleese To the citizens of the United States of
America):

"In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
"neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels - (look up
vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save
The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are
hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without
the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real
chips. Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist
on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell
attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will
stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are
aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due(backdated to
1776