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Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?
evade20 |
Jun 10 2006, 09:54 AM
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QUOTE(foxy lady @ May 31 2006, 09:46 PM) Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day." I've passed this joke on to several people. Now here is a funny thing: Johnfreak posts a birthday list every morning and I regularly go through and send happy birthday greetings out to the some of the members of that list. This morning I noticed that it was Esmeralda's birthday. Now you might ask, "Who the hell is Esmeralda?" Beats me? The funny thing is her (alleged) location: State= Vatican City, Country= Holy See (Vatican City). Maybe we have a kinky Sister among us. The other funny birthday, today, is someone with the user name "lemon." Yesterday, Frenchguy_pa posted a chart in a topic which he named "And You?" in the "Shoot the breeze" conference. One of the pictured shapes of breasts was "lemon". When I went to wish lemon a happy birthday, I got an error message saying that the email list was empty...Bogus lemons, I guess.
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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foxy lady |
Jun 10 2006, 04:30 PM
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QUOTE(evade20 @ Jun 10 2006, 09:54 AM) I've passed this joke on to several people. Now here is a funny thing: Johnfreak posts a birthday list every morning and I regularly go through and send happy birthday greetings out to the some of the members of that list. This morning I noticed that it was Esmeralda's birthday. Now you might ask, "Who the hell is Esmeralda?" Beats me? The funny thing is her (alleged) location: State= Vatican City, Country= Holy See (Vatican City). Maybe we have a kinky Sister among us. The other funny birthday, today, is someone with the user name "lemon." Yesterday, Frenchguy_pa posted a chart in a topic which he named "And You?" in the "Shoot the breeze" conference. One of the pictured shapes of breasts was "lemon". When I went to wish lemon a happy birthday, I got an error message saying that the email list was empty...Bogus lemons, I guess. I'm glad you liked the joke But now you got me wondering ... what fruit am I ?
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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ndboxer |
Jun 13 2006, 10:46 AM
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QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 12 2006, 10:42 AM) A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies the cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's pecker hanging out of his fly for all the world to see... He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
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foxy lady |
Jun 14 2006, 09:33 AM
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QUOTE(Bobaloo @ Jun 14 2006, 09:30 AM) Great joke, Foxy!!! here's my joke of the day There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub." Ouch
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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ndboxer |
Jun 14 2006, 12:42 PM
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QUOTE(Bobaloo @ Jun 14 2006, 08:30 AM) Great joke, Foxy!!! here's my joke of the day There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub." How did gnappy get past security anyways??
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foxy lady |
Jun 14 2006, 01:27 PM
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Unlucky Flea One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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evade20 |
Jun 14 2006, 04:40 PM
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QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 14 2006, 01:27 PM) Unlucky Flea One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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belicked6924 |
Jun 14 2006, 07:31 PM
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Double D's
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QUOTE(Bobaloo @ Jun 14 2006, 08:30 AM) There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub." Jokes are so much funnier when they're from personal experience Note: not from my experience
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Work in progress.
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foxy lady |
Jun 16 2006, 04:21 PM
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Only I Can Have This! An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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evade20 |
Jun 16 2006, 04:43 PM
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QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 16 2006, 04:21 PM) Only I Can Have This! An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!" She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!". The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want! OOOOO! Foxy, Your so hot....
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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foxy lady |
Jun 19 2006, 10:41 PM
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NEWFIE IN THE MORGUE Clyde the Newfie died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So they sent for his two best friends, Danny and Joey. Danny went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Danny said, "Yees bye he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Danny looked down and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Joey in to identify the body and Joey took a look at him and said, "Yees by, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over." The Mortician rolled him over and Joey looked down and said: "No, it ain't Clyde." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Joey said, "Well, Clyde had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yees bye, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes ."
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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foxy lady |
Jun 22 2006, 11:47 AM
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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no
arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch
is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out
.. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH, yeah, OK... Bob pulls
it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points it for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I really appreciate it. Bob
says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls his arms out of shirt
and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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evade20 |
Jun 22 2006, 12:31 PM
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QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 22 2006, 11:47 AM) Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out .. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, Can you unzip my zipper? Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH, yeah, OK... Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I really appreciate it. Bob says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls his arms out of shirt and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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Gnappster |
Jun 22 2006, 04:04 PM
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Liquor and Whores
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QUOTE(ndboxer @ Jun 14 2006, 10:42 AM) How did gnappy get past security anyways?? bastard! QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 22 2006, 09:47 AM) Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out .. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, Can you unzip my zipper? Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH, yeah, OK... Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I really appreciate it. Bob says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls his arms out of shirt and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
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Thinking about starting a new thread??? Watch THIS first!
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evade20 |
Jun 23 2006, 10:29 PM
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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same officer was in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter .. $50" _________________________________________________ WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed" WIFE: -- silence -- HUSBAND: "shit."
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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foxy lady |
Jun 23 2006, 11:39 PM
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QUOTE(evade20 @ Jun 23 2006, 10:29 PM) Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same officer was in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter .. $50" _________________________________________________ WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed" WIFE: -- silence -- HUSBAND: "shit." Now that is funny
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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foxy lady |
Jun 26 2006, 09:46 AM
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Take Your Choice A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final." "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!" "Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?" The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!" "Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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evade20 |
Jun 26 2006, 10:42 AM
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Melon Master
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QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 26 2006, 09:46 AM) Take Your Choice A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final." "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!" "Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?" The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!" "Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either." YUK!
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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Bobaloo |
Jun 26 2006, 01:26 PM
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--o00o--O(_)O--o00o--
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QUOTE(foxy lady @ Jun 26 2006, 09:46 AM) Take Your Choice A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final." "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!" "Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?" The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!" "Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either." Some bitches never learn!
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