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Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?
natalie |
May 11 2006, 03:45 PM
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She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again her husband died. But, she re-married and had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Satnding before her coffin, the preaher prayed for her. He thanked the lord, for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied " I think he means he legs."
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foxy lady |
May 11 2006, 04:57 PM
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QUOTE(natalie @ May 11 2006, 03:45 PM) She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again her husband died. But, she re-married and had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Satnding before her coffin, the preaher prayed for her. He thanked the lord, for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied " I think her means he legs."
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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foxy lady |
May 16 2006, 08:53 PM
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Funeral Funny!
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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belicked6924 |
May 16 2006, 09:34 PM
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QUOTE(foxy lady @ May 16 2006, 07:53 PM) Funeral Funny! A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist." The proctologist fainted
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Work in progress.
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Bobaloo |
May 19 2006, 09:04 PM
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QUOTE(foxy lady @ May 16 2006, 08:53 PM) Funeral Funny! A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist." The proctologist fainted absolutely hilarious!!!
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Bobaloo |
May 22 2006, 03:55 PM
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And oldie but goodie
1-800-PSYCHIC Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
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Bobaloo |
May 23 2006, 10:30 AM
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Here's my joke of the day. Not funny, but it made me chuckle:
A blind man with a seeing-eye dog goes into a large Department Store.
He wanders about for a while, then stops, snatches the dog up by its tail, and begins to twirl it around over his head.
Upon seeing this, a clerk goes to the blind man and says "May I help you, sir?", to which the blind man responds, "No, thank you, I.m just looking around."
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foxy lady |
May 23 2006, 04:51 PM
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QUOTE(Bobaloo @ May 23 2006, 10:30 AM) Here's my joke of the day. Not funny, but it made me chuckle: A blind man with a seeing-eye dog goes into a large Department Store. He wanders about for a while, then stops, snatches the dog up by its tail, and begins to twirl it around over his head. Upon seeing this, a clerk goes to the blind man and says "May I help you, sir?", to which the blind man responds, "No, thank you, I.m just looking around."
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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evade20 |
May 31 2006, 10:11 AM
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The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior, and the inability to pronounce the word nuclear. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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evade20 |
May 31 2006, 10:15 AM
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Subject: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too cool to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Yes, thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: MAC?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer is Lou?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: MAC?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO:! Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for wind! ows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you c lick the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: W! hy not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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evade20 |
May 31 2006, 10:23 AM
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Women in heaven 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm 'n sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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foxy lady |
May 31 2006, 11:37 AM
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QUOTE(evade20 @ May 31 2006, 10:23 AM) Women in heaven 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm 'n sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. Absolutely hilarious
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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Bobaloo |
May 31 2006, 12:31 PM
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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
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evade20 |
May 31 2006, 12:54 PM
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QUOTE(foxy lady @ May 31 2006, 12:52 PM) No Specka de EnglishThe bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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foxy lady |
May 31 2006, 01:11 PM
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QUOTE(Bobaloo @ May 31 2006, 12:31 PM) A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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evade20 |
May 31 2006, 04:02 PM
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BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
(A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America):
"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and "neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels - (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due(backdated to 1776
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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evade20 |
Jun 2 2006, 10:29 AM
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Melon Master
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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evade20 |
Jun 6 2006, 10:01 PM
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Melon Master
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Robot Bartender A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then>asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and Spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the Kama Sutra. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "this is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking about NASCAR, supermodels, hunting, beer and women's breasts. Really! impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He! heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says... Real slowly... "So............... Ya gonna vote for Bush again?" Attached image(s)
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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foxy lady |
Jun 7 2006, 08:31 AM
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QUOTE(evade20 @ Jun 6 2006, 10:01 PM) Robot Bartender A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then>asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and Spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the Kama Sutra. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "this is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking about NASCAR, supermodels, hunting, beer and women's breasts. Really! impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He! heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says... Real slowly... "So............... Ya gonna vote for Bush again?"
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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