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Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?
closeup |
Jul 23 2006, 10:17 PM
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Double D's
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From: Portland, Maine
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A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He took a sip and heard a voice say, "Nice tie". The only other person there was the bartender, and he was standing over at the opposite end of the bar. A few minutes later, the man heard another voice say, "Beautiful shirt". The man called the bartender over. "I must be losing my mind, " he said. "I keep hearing voices that say nice things." "It's the peanuts," the bartender said. "What do you mean?" the man asked. "It's the peanuts," the bartender repeated. "They're complimentary."
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foxy lady |
Jul 25 2006, 03:51 PM
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D Cup
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From: St. Catherines - Niagara, Ontario
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Sunday Morning Sex I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling... Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
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It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him
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evade20 |
Jul 27 2006, 07:58 AM
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Melon Master
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Posts: 21,880
Joined: 21-November 05
From: New York
Member No.: 11,658
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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bondiguy |
Jul 27 2006, 08:35 AM
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I don't suffer FOOLS
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From: Sydney, New South Wales
Member No.: 7,542
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QUOTE(closeup @ Jul 23 2006, 10:17 PM) A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He took a sip and heard a voice say, "Nice tie". The only other person there was the bartender, and he was standing over at the opposite end of the bar. A few minutes later, the man heard another voice say, "Beautiful shirt". The man called the bartender over. "I must be losing my mind, " he said. "I keep hearing voices that say nice things." "It's the peanuts," the bartender said. "What do you mean?" the man asked. "It's the peanuts," the bartender repeated. "They're complimentary." WOW... that is lame
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Bondi Approved I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck. I am smart, capable and, most importantly, I'm free in all the ways that you are not.
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evade20 |
Jul 27 2006, 01:14 PM
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Melon Master
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Posts: 21,880
Joined: 21-November 05
From: New York
Member No.: 11,658
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Attached image(s)
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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damnyankee |
Jul 27 2006, 08:50 PM
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B Cup
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Joined: 3-May 06
From: Michigan
Member No.: 15,122
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QUOTE(evade20 @ Jul 27 2006, 01:14 PM) Here is a blonde joke for yall: A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE c0ckPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON" __________________
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evade20 |
Jul 27 2006, 09:00 PM
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Melon Master
Group: Members
Posts: 21,880
Joined: 21-November 05
From: New York
Member No.: 11,658
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QUOTE(damnyankee @ Jul 27 2006, 08:50 PM) Here is a blonde joke for yall: A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE c0ckPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON" __________________ Cute.
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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damnyankee |
Jul 27 2006, 09:03 PM
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B Cup
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From: Michigan
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QUOTE(evade20 @ Jul 27 2006, 09:00 PM) Cute. Ok...heres another....nuns.. Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
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evade20 |
Jul 27 2006, 09:06 PM
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Melon Master
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Joined: 21-November 05
From: New York
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QUOTE(damnyankee @ Jul 27 2006, 09:03 PM) Ok...heres another....nuns.. Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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johnny wadd |
Jul 27 2006, 09:32 PM
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C Cup
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QUOTE(damnyankee @ Jul 27 2006, 09:50 PM) Here is a blonde joke for yall: A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE c0ckPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON" __________________ Seems like this could actually happen.
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evade20 |
Jul 31 2006, 12:52 PM
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Melon Master
Group: Members
Posts: 21,880
Joined: 21-November 05
From: New York
Member No.: 11,658
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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evade20 |
Aug 1 2006, 12:26 PM
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Melon Master
Group: Members
Posts: 21,880
Joined: 21-November 05
From: New York
Member No.: 11,658
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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evade20 |
Aug 4 2006, 10:27 AM
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Melon Master
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Posts: 21,880
Joined: 21-November 05
From: New York
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A Fairy Tale
A Married Couple in their early 60’s was celebrating their 35TH anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being so faithful to each other all of this time, I will grant you each one wish.”
“Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband” said the wife.
The fairy waved her magic wand and poof, two tickets for the Queen Mary III appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said, “Well, this is all very romantic but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed. But a wish is a wish… So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband became 92 years old. The Moral of the Story: Men who are ungrateful assholes should remember that fairies are female.
This post has been edited by evade20: Aug 26 2006, 02:13 PM
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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belicked6924 |
Aug 8 2006, 10:17 AM
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Double D's
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From: Des Moines, Iowa
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Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.
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Work in progress.
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evade20 |
Aug 8 2006, 02:55 PM
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Melon Master
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Posts: 21,880
Joined: 21-November 05
From: New York
Member No.: 11,658
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QUOTE(belicked6924 @ Aug 8 2006, 10:17 AM) Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night. Good one. Attached image(s)
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"The single most important component of a camera is the twelve inches behind it." Ansel AdamsThe state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. Pierre Elliott Trudeau
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belicked6924 |
Aug 12 2006, 05:31 AM
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Double D's
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Joined: 11-December 05
From: Des Moines, Iowa
Member No.: 12,055
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A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message:"Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
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Work in progress.
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