Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+ Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?

I'm just so happy that my thread has caught on.....we could all use a good laugh now and then :lol:

I'm just so happy that my thread has caught on.....we could all use a good laugh now and then :lol:

Oh, that's it. I was just thinking that I needed a good laugh and then I saw that you posted in here. Well, I get here and no joke. hmph! That's it. I'm never coming to this thread again!!!


ha ha, just kidding!!

At the Superbowl



A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,
a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting
event in the
world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super
Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1970."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. ''Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...." ''No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink.

The bartender pours the drink and says "Listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket".

To this the guy replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home".

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink.

The bartender pours the drink and says "Listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket".

To this the guy replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home".

LMFAO! :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink.

The bartender pours the drink and says "Listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket".

To this the guy replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home".

that's a good one!!!

Why can't a lesbian be on a diet and wear make-up at the same time?


Because she can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.

Why can't a lesbian be on a diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because she can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.

:roflmao:

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

***: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting ******* (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
B) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
B) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
B) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
B) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
B) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
B) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
B) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

***: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting ******* (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
B) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
B) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
B) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
B) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
B) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
B) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
B) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

:blink:

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

:lol:


Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

:lol:
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Hilarious x 2
:roflmao:

Speaking of lesbians...

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur???





lickalottapuss

Speaking of lesbians...

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur???
lickalottapuss

I need me one of those dinosaurs :P

Or...

What do you call it when a girl goes in for a sex change operation???






addadictomy

Or...

What do you call it when a girl goes in for a sex change operation???
addadictomy

:roflmao: Did I mention that I suffer from penis envy! :lol:

:roflmao:  Did I mention that I suffer from penis envy!  :lol:

Suffer no more. you can "have" mine. :bonerfied:

:lol:

Flasher

There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first lady immediately had a stroke.

Then the second lady also had a stroke.

But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Nude Gallery

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain. She divorced him. He was never home.

Nude Gallery

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

men!

To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain. She divorced him. He was never home.

omg. i am so slow. i was just gonna ask u where the first part of this joke is? :haha:

Flasher

There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first lady immediately had a stroke.

Then the second lady also had a stroke.

But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

i dont get it

i dont get it

A stroke :whatever: :whatever:

The third one couldn't reach........ :lol:

:blink:

All the sunglass smile's should be Option B's but anyway you have to have driven in LA to fully appreciate this joke :nahnah:

So there's a pirate who goes into a bar and he's wearing a big steering wheel for a belt buckle. The bartender asks him, "what's with the steering wheel?"

so the pirate says, "Arrr. It's driving me nuts!" :lol:

So there's a pirate who goes into a bar and he's wearing a big steering wheel for a belt buckle.  The bartender asks him, "what's with the steering wheel?"

so the pirate says, "Arrr.  It's driving me nuts!"  :lol:

:lol: Good one :thumbup:

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'