Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+ Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?

Accountant gets caught embezzling millions of dollars from a high powered law firm.

He goes to trial and as expected gets a lengthy prison sentence. When he gets to prison and the door slams shut he starts to sob, it has really hit home now.

His cellmate, a big hulking black man, asks him why he is sobbing. The Accountant says "I have heard about what happens to little guys like me in prison."

The cellmate says "Oh no, you don't have to worry about that kind of thing, this is the new prison system. See nowadays we are civil enough to give you a choice, you can be the husband or the wife. It's your choice!"

"Really!?" says the accountant, starting to realize that his situation is really not going to be THAT bad.

"Yes" says the cellmate, "What would you like to be?"

"Well" the accountant says "I would like to be the husband."

The cellmate says "Great! good choice, now get over here and suck your wife's dick!"

i got a nice chuckle out of that. :2thumbsup: great animated avatar btw.

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

:P

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

:P

:roflmao:

I was at the bank today and an old lady asked me if I could help her check her balance.




so I pushed her over B)

LOLOL I See what you did there .. was quite with a car but you still get 10 points lol

(IMG:http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/bJZXR.gif)

I'm going to Hell and you're all coming with me because I know you're laughing too!

:roflmao:

(IMG:http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/bJZXR.gif)

I'm going to Hell and you're all coming with me because I know you're laughing too!

:roflmao:

heard about it, but this is the first time I've seen the video. an entry for the Darwin awards perhaps?

(IMG:http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/bJZXR.gif)

I'm going to Hell and you're all coming with me because I know you're laughing too!

:roflmao:

I'm bad 'cause I'm laughing! :roflmao: :ph34r:

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :haha: I think i got two humor bones.. and extra in place of my compassion bone lolol

(IMG:http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/bJZXR.gif)

I'm going to Hell and you're all coming with me because I know you're laughing too!

:roflmao:

:thumbup: :roflmao:

Mary had had her fill with the men she had had in her life and had just broken up with her latest beau. Determined to finally 'meet the One', she places an advert in the local paper's lonely hearts classified. It said "Wanted - A man who will not hit me, not leave me but has to be an extremely wonderful lover."

Many weeks pass and not one answer to her ad.... until there's a knock at the door. Mary goes to answer the door and opens it to see a man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad" he says

"How do I know you won't hit me?" says Mary.

"Well I have no arms so I cannot hit you even if I wanted to" he replied.

"How do I know you won't leave me?" says Mary.

"Well I have no legs so I cannot leave you even if I wanted to" he replied.

"How do I know that you're an extremely wonderful lover?" says Mary

"Well," begins the man, "what do you think I knocked the door with?"