Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+ Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?

I guess I should be adding more to this :D....
A guy is getting ready for a costume party but is having trouble deciding what to be. He goes to the party and the host opens the door. The host sees the guy standing there with no socks, shoes or a shirt.  " What the hell are you supposed to be? " The host asks. The guy replies " Im a premature ejaculation, I just came in my jeans. "
:lol:

Not only do I like it, I'll actually remember it. That's the mark of a good joke. :2thumbsup:

I guy gets out of the shower , he has a raging hardon , he goes into his bedroom and asks his wife (you wanna have sex?) she says no I have a headache , he says thats okay I just rubbed my cock down with some powdered aspirin , you want it orally or anal ?????

bulimia - twice the taste with none of the calories

They say 90% of people say "OH SHIT" just before going into the ditch while driving. The other 10% are rednecks that say "here hold my beer and watch this".

This was the top joke in the UK:

“ A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
”

And in Australia the top joke was as follows:

“ This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
”

This was the top joke in the UK:

“ A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
”

And in Australia the top joke was as follows:

“ This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
”

That was the top Australian joke? :blink:

That was the top Australian joke? :blink:

Yeah, according to Wikipedia. :unsure:

This was the top joke in the UK:

“ A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
”

And in Australia the top joke was as follows:

“ This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
”

closeup, that UK joke was funny as hell! :roflmao:

An old man, hard of hearing, goes to a new doctor. He brings his wife along with him to help him in case he can't hear what the doctor says. The doctor comes in the room and says, "All right, sir, since you are a new patient, I'm going to need a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample"

The old man turns to his wife and says, "What'd he say?"

The wife replies, "Just give him your underwear!"

He wasn't an alley cat, he was just a big coon cat. Most people aren't familar with that breed but they are big and the are pretty much fearless. He could do some major damage if you pissed him off. Tweny-five pounds doesn't sound big, but when you add in the claws, that's something else. He could easily put his paws over the sink and the kitchen counter. I saw him jump over the sofa from the floor to the floor many times. Google "Maine Coon Cat" under the image icon and take a look at what these cats look like.

Maine coon cats are awesome! :2thumbsup:

I guess I should be adding more to this :D....
A guy is getting ready for a costume party but is having trouble deciding what to be. He goes to the party and the host opens the door. The host sees the guy standing there with no socks, shoes or a shirt.  " What the hell are you supposed to be? " The host asks. The guy replies " Im a premature ejaculation, I just came in my jeans. "
:lol:

I;ve been to that party! :lol:

bulimia - twice the taste with none of the calories

:puke:

An old man, hard of hearing, goes to a new doctor.  He brings his wife along with him to help him in case he can't hear what the doctor says.  .....

Speaking of doctors and hearing...

HERE's a technological breakthrough for you...
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

:music-smiley-003: :music-smiley-004:

We just bought a race horse to run in next yrs kentucky derby , we named him MY FACE , all our friends just couldnt figure out how I came up with the name , I finnally told them , I just cant wait for the ladies at the race tracks to be YELLING (COME ON MY FACE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) And how was your day

A man and a woman are sitting at a bar during Happy Hour....

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

enjoy!!

FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know - I'll come and see.
She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table
having tea -listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful - knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you
.... as soon as I see who's at the door."

I'll go along with all but #2. I used to have a 25lb Maine Coon Cat (named Bart) and if you pissed him off, his claws could rip you a new asshole. The dogs in the neighborhood would go out of their way to avoid him. He wasn't mean or nasty, just big and didn't like to be fucked with. I remember one day I was doing something in the front yard and Bart was sitting out on the lawn enjoying the sun. This big dog comes strolling down the street and for some reason the two animals didn't see each other until the dog was right in front my cat. Bart jumped straight up in the air and came down on this dogs back with all four claws dug right in. That dog couldn't have been more startled if you'd have shoved a cattle prod up his ass. Bart looked like a rodeo rider as this dog tried to shake him off. Bart finally let go and that dog took off yelping and whimpering and I'm sure he learned his lesson about walking up to a big cat.

That's awesome. I would love to see a video of that.

I guess I should be adding more to this :D....
A guy is getting ready for a costume party but is having trouble deciding what to be. He goes to the party and the host opens the door. The host sees the guy standing there with no socks, shoes or a shirt.  " What the hell are you supposed to be? " The host asks. The guy replies " Im a premature ejaculation, I just came in my jeans. "
:lol:

That was hilarious. Joke of the thread, in my book!

We just bought a race horse  to run  in next yrs kentucky derby  , we named him   MY FACE  ,  all our friends just couldnt figure out how I came up with the name  , I finnally told them  ,  I just cant wait for the ladies at the race tracks to be YELLING (COME ON MY FACE  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)   And how was your day

Now there's an idea worth buying a horse over.

That was hilarious.  Joke of the thread, in my book!
Now there's an idea worth buying a horse over.

well and the million to win .. :P

well and the  million  to win  ..  :P

Well, that's a perk for sure, but the girls screaming "come on my face" trumps all.

Well, that's a perk for sure, but the girls screaming "come on my face" trumps all.

yes , yes it does .

The Bathtub Test!

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"

The Bathtub Test!

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"

Welcome to the monkey house! :roflmao:

(IMG:http://www.jowsey.com/jokes/sheep-NZ.jpg)
















:puke: :puke:

(IMG:http://www.jowsey.com/jokes/sheep-NZ.jpg)
:puke:  :puke:

that pic is just wrong. i mean, i can't believe he didn't even take off his boots

that pic is just wrong.  i mean, i can't believe he didn't even take off his boots

I thought they should have hung there hats on the fence posts , so the neighbers know not to enter ...

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a

preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and

subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is


almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are


you ready to find Jesus? "Yes I am" answers the drunk, so the preacher grabs

him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found

Jesus?"




The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at


the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this


time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus,

my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found

Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks


the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30


seconds.




When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him

up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have

you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to

the preacher, Are you sure this is where he fell in?

An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You American folk eat the whole bread??'

American (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jelly with the bread??'

American: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.'

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

American: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

American: 'We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'

Bears & Beer

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and
sits down. He bangs on the
bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve
beer to bears in bars in
Billings .'

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be
served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We
don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings .'

The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve
me a beer, I'm going to
eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears
in bars in Billings .'

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as
promised, eats the woman. He
comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'

The bear says, 'I'm NOT on drug s.'

The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a
barbitchyouate.