Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+ Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?

I guess this will have to fit into the jokes thread:

Drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:

- Indubitably
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:

- Specificity
- British Constitution
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:

- Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
- Nope, no more beer for me.
- Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
- Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight.
- Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.

A little puzzle for y'all. Can you find the tractor in this picture?

(IMG:http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b116/Purduemyron/Tractor.jpg)

A little puzzle for y'all. Can you find the tractor in this picture?

(IMG:http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b116/Purduemyron/Tractor.jpg)

Nope! but I bet it has a haulin' ass bumper sticker and mud flaps.

A little puzzle for y'all. Can you find the tractor in this picture?

Right behind all the hot naked women? :P

A little puzzle for y'all. Can you find the tractor in this picture?

(IMG:http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b116/Purduemyron/Tractor.jpg)

It would take a aggie from Purdue to think this was difficult... :lol: :lol: :2thumbsup:

Here's a joke for you all.
Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. at the gates, St Peter gives him a jacket made of bronze.
While walking around in heaven, Bill saw a man wearing a jacket made of Gold. So he goes back to St. Peter.
"Why Have I got a jacket made of bronze? I've seen one man walking around with a gold one" Bill asked St Peter.
"Ah, that's the captain of the titanic" replied St peter.
"So, the captain of the captain gets a gold jacket, and a man who revolutionised the way we live, work and play and transact business only get's a bronze jacket? What's happening here!? I created Microsoft and the windows operating system! This is Mad" shouted bill
"Well," said Saint Peter, "the titanic only crashed once"

Ha ha hope u all liked that

Ha ha hope u all liked that

Boom Tish!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
>>Him,
>>My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
>>
>>"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
>>"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
>>Urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to
do
>>About it.
>>
>>It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than
a
>>Doctor."
>>
>>So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
>>Wal-Mart.
>>
>>He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
>>Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>>
>>Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>>
>>"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>>Activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
>>Wal-Mart."
>>
>>That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>>Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>>
>>He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
>>From his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
>>
>>Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He
>>Deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
>>
>>The computer prints the following:
>>
>>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
>>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle
>>7)
>>3.. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>>4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>>5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get
>>Better !
>>
>>Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
>>

What has 2 legs and flies?


















A pair of trousers (pants for my american cousins)
:ph34r:

What has 2 legs and flies?
A pair of trousers (pants for my american cousins)
:ph34r:

speaking of flies, what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

















he got pissed off.

speaking of flies, what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
he got pissed off.

Worst Joke Ever

(IMG:http://www.progets.com/simpsons/pics/the%20comic%20book%20guy%20pondering.gif)

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike  behind
>>Him,
>>My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a  doctor."
>>
>>"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike  replies
>>"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
>>Urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to 
do
>>About it.
>>
>>It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A  lot cheaper than
a
>>Doctor."
>>
>>So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a  small jar and takes it to
>>Wal-Mart.
>>
>>He deposits ten dollars, and  the computer lights up and asks for the
>>Urine sample. He pours the  sample into the slot and waits.
>>
>>Ten seconds later, the computer  ejects a printout:
>>
>>"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm  water and avoid heavy
>>Activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you  for shopping @
>>Wal-Mart."
>>
>>That evening, while thinking how  amazing this new technology was,
>>Joe began wondering if the computer  could be fooled.
>>
>>He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine  samples
>>From his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good  measure.
>>
>>Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.  He
>>Deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the 
results.
>>
>>The computer prints the  following:
>>
>>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a  water softener. (Aisle 9)
>>2. Your dog has ringworm.  Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle
>>7)
>>3.. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her  into rehab.
>>4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They  aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>>5 If you don't stop  playing with yourself, your elbow will never 
get
>>Better    !
>>
>>Thank you for shopping @  Wal-Mart
>>

Damn, RD, if you're going to post a joke that has been forwarded several times by email, at least edit out the control characters like ">>>>".

Besides, if you got it by email, so did everyone else...probably six years ago! :blink: :blink:

Damn, RD, if you're going to post a joke that has been forwarded several times by email, at least edit out the control characters like ">>>>".

Besides, if you got it by email, so did everyone else...probably six years ago!  :blink:  :blink:

A fired up evade :thumbup:

Damn, RD, if you're going to post a joke that has been forwarded several times by email, at least edit out the control characters like ">>>>".

Besides, if you got it by email, so did everyone else...probably six years ago!  :blink:  :blink:

So sorry to upset you....do I owe you some money???...Did I back into your car???....Did I cut in front of you in line at Walmart???...Did I kick your dog??? As you should have noticed, it is a joke thread, and I told a joke. Sorry it wasnt edited for your specifications, and due to the fact that I am not on this board nearly as much as you are, I did get this "joke" only yesterday, and thought it would b nice to share with others. So the past 6 years, this joke must have missed me, as well as others.....I am not as timely as you are.

Go ahead and get in your car and go run over a cat for at least 6 times...or yell at the old lady in the grocery line for not moving so fast...I think you would feel better.....

FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle" he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at
the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those
symbolize Christmas?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins....

So sorry to upset you....do I owe you some money???...Did I back into your car???....Did I cut in front of you in line at Walmart???...Did I kick your dog??? As you should have noticed, it is a joke thread, and I told a joke. Sorry it wasnt edited for your specifications, and due to the fact that I am not on this board nearly as much as you are, I did get this "joke" only yesterday, and thought it would b nice to share with others. So the past 6 years, this joke must have missed me, as well as others.....I am not as timely as you are.

Go ahead and get in your car and go run over a cat for at least 6 times...or yell at the old lady in the grocery line for not moving so fast...I think you would feel better.....

I liked your joke and had never heard it before.

I liked your joke and had never heard it before.

but in evade's defence, you probably just figured out how to email 2 weeks ago :P

but in evade's defence, you probably just figured out how to email 2 weeks ago :P

It'll be three weeks next Wednesday. :nahnah:

So sorry to upset you....do I owe you some money???...Did I back into your car???....Did I cut in front of you in line at Walmart???...Did I kick your dog??? As you should have noticed, it is a joke thread, and I told a joke. Sorry it wasnt edited for your specifications, and due to the fact that I am not on this board nearly as much as you are, I did get this "joke" only yesterday, and thought it would b nice to share with others. So the past 6 years, this joke must have missed me, as well as others.....I am not as timely as you are.

Go ahead and get in your car and go run over a cat for at least 6 times...or yell at the old lady in the grocery line for not moving so fast...I think you would feel better.....

"She kick my dog, and now I'm going to fuck her! No, I'm not! Just kidding!"

I don't know if anyone will get that, but I do and it's hilarious.

so hiliarious, in fact, it warrants this here smiley :roflmao:

"She kick my dog, and now I'm going to fuck her!  No, I'm not!  Just kidding!"

I don't know if anyone will get that, but I do and it's hilarious.

so hiliarious, in fact, it warrants this here smiley :roflmao:

I do, jerky! :lol:

I do, jerky!  :lol:

:thumbup:

Two second graders are walking home from school.
One looks at the other and says, "I can't believe Mrs Myers flunked us in sex-ed. My father is gonna kill me." "Yeah", says the second one. "I'm so pissed, I could kick her in the balls."

FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE
 
   Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
   pearly gates.
 
   "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
   possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
 
   The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
 
   "It represents a candle" he said.
 
   "You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.
 
   The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
   He shook them and said, "They're bells."
 
   Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
 
   The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
   finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at
the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those
   symbolize Christmas?"
 
   The man replied, "They're Carols."

   And So The Holiday Season Begins....

Great joke, Janeyanne! :2thumbsup:

Two second graders are walking home from school.
One looks at the other and says, "I can't believe Mrs Myers flunked us in sex-ed. My father is gonna kill me." "Yeah", says the second one. "I'm so pissed, I could kick her in the balls."

now that's humor. Great joke. I'm going to tell that one tonight.




I sure wish I had friends, cuz i dont' think my fish will understand the joke. :wacko:

A gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated. After the operation he mournfully complained to a fellow miner, "I supposed I'm fucked now. Who would ever want a one-legged gold digger?"
"Try Paul McCartney," his friend replied.

but in evade's defence, you probably just figured out how to email 2 weeks ago :P

:roflmao:

The only jokes I know are either extremely racist or extremely sexist or a healthy combination of both.... Im sure they wouldnt sit well here :P

:roflmao:

The only jokes I know are either extremely racist or extremely sexist or a healthy combination of both.... Im sure they wouldnt sit well here :P

I'm quite low brow.

I'm quite low brow.

I swear as soon as I posted my last post I knew you or bob were going to say that! :P

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

I swear as soon as I posted my last post I knew you or bob were going to say that! :P

I woulda, but Gnappy was too quick!