Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+ Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?

A man goes into a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger.  Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.  He takes a bit out of it and notices there is a small hair in the burger.  He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress there is a hair in my hamburger!  I demand to see what's going on!"  So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen and to his horror, he sees the cook take the hamburger and flatten it under his armpit.
"That's disgusting!"  He says.  The waitress shrugs.  "If you think that's disgusting, you should see how he makes the doughnuts."

:lol: :lol: I'll pass on the Doughnuts! :puke:

Funeral Procession

Here You Go Girls (and dog lovers) Your Laugh for the Day !!!!!
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when
she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black
hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse
was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, wereabout 200 women walking
single file. The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for
your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have
never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

A WOMAN'S PRAYER:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To
forgive him and Patience, For his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
:lol:

I bought a prize rooster , had in my yard , well the neighbers donkey came over and chased the rooster around till he caught it then he ate the legs off it , So I went and visited the neighber , SIR WE HAVE A PROBLEM YOUR ASS HAS 2 FEET OF MY COCK IN IT ....... :2thumbsup:

A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was escorted into the lawyer's office.

The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?"

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions."

"Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?"

"Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?"

This sounds like a joke but it really happened:

A friend of mine owns a recruiting business, basically a headhunter. He sent a secretary out on a job interveiw last week. He swears this is what the prospective employer told him.
Employer: We can start you out at eight dollars an hour. After three months it
goes to ten per hour. When will you be available to start?

Secretary: In three months.


The employer laughed then hired her right then and agreed to ten per hour to start.

Did you hear about the priest and the nun who took the afternoon off to go golfing?

The priest takes a huge swing at the ball, whiffs it, and says, Shit I missed.

The nun looks up sharply and says, Father, youd better watch you language!

A couple of holes later, the priest whiffs it again and says, Shit I missed.

And the nun says, Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.

On the next tee, the priest whiffs it and once again says, Shit! I missed.

At that moment the sky turns black, the clouds rumble, and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes down and strikes the nun dead in her tracks.

And then a voice from the sky says, Shit! I missed.

(From page 18 of The Tao Of Wille, by Willie Nelson, Gotham Books, © May 2006)


I’m sure Willie was just repeating something he had heard from a friend or a fan. I wouldn’t recommend walking next to me outdoors anytime real soon for repeating this joke.
(IMG:http://www.retro.com/employees/lee/Ani/lightningstrike.gif)

This post has been edited by evade20: Sep 15 2006, 05:04 PM

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for
herself,
>and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the
side
>of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she
begins
>screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
>
>The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest
prize
>given away was a stero system!"
>
>The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
>
>By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too
>argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't
have
>that as one of our prizes."
>
>Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"
>
>The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A
>BAGEL."
>

Classic one line from the late great Buddy Hackett....

Robber walks up to a man " This is a fuckup!!!" Man goes, " Don't you mean a stickup!!??" Robber says, " No, this is a fuckup, I forgot my gun!"

:lol:

Classic one line from the late great Buddy Hackett....

Robber walks up to a man " This is a fuckup!!!" Man goes, " Don't you mean a stickup!!??"  Robber says, " No, this is a fuckup, I forgot my gun!"

:lol:

classic!!!

how 'bout this... A little joke that 3d can relate to

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A: Because sheep can hear zippers.

3 women are in a cafe chatting, 1st one says I'm having a boob job, 2nd woman says im having my areshole bleached, 3rd woman says I cant imagine your husband with blonde hair.

Thank you, I'm here all week, try the lobster

An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks,
"Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?"
The man replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"
Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says,
"Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager,
"Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, more recurrences of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?"
The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?"

An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks,
"Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?"
The man replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"
Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says,
"Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager,
"Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, more recurrences of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?"
The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?"

Isn't "Five Star Hotel" & Australia an Oximoron? :unsure: :lol:

What kinda bees make milk?


"boo bees" ......lmao. *bows*

What kinda bees make milk?
"boo bees" ......lmao. *bows*

I love that joke, but you cut out half of it. Here's how it should go...


If honeybees make honey, what kind of bees make milk?


boobies!!!

I love that joke, but you cut out half of it.  Here's how it should go...
If honeybees make honey, what kind of bees make milk?
boobies!!!

haha oops! My mistake, yah a great joke, it definitely fits this board :)

I assumed that someone else had already posted it, but I wasn't going to read 8 pages of replies just to see if someone had posted that joke haha.

haha oops! My mistake, yah a great joke, it definitely fits this board :)

I assumed that someone else had already posted it, but I wasn't going to read 8 pages of replies just to see if someone had posted that joke haha.

Never seen it here. I often think of posting it, but never when I'm online. But now it's been taken care of so no need to worry about it anymore. I was going to post some pics of PD up in here but you might as well take care of that for me too :2thumbsup:

(I sure hope that trick works :crossedfingersesmiley: )

Older but not Wiser

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Older but not Wiser

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

lmao that's awesome, good one

Never seen it here.  I often think of posting it, but never when I'm online.  But now it's been taken care of so no need to worry about it anymore.  I was going to post some pics of PD up in here but you might as well take care of that for me too  :2thumbsup:

(I sure hope that trick works :crossedfingersesmiley: )

haha I'll see what I can do :P

haha I'll see what I can do :P

sweet!!! My 411 thread will be the new hangout

sweet!!!  My 411 thread will be the new hangout

Yah ppl will have to donate to your paypay account before they can gain access to your 411.

An exclusive club for pervs doesn't come cheap ya know :P

Uncle Bucks joke reminded me of this one;

A husband and wife are out shooting pool with the husbands best friend. The husband notices his friend checking out his wife every time she bends over to make a shot. "Wow," the friend says, "You're a lucky guy. What I wouldn't give to kiss her nipples." The husband pulls his wife aside and tells her that they can make some easy money. Reluctantly, she agrees. They figure the friend will pay $500.00 to kiss her nipples and he says he will. So she lifts up her shirt and he pulls up her bra and starts squeezing her tits. He kneads them and rolls her nipples between his fingers. He licks all around her nipples and gently massages her boobs. Finally, after five minutes of this, the husband starts to get pissed. "Will you just kiss her nipples and get it over with," he says. The friend looks up from between her boobs and says, "Man, I'd love to, but I really can't afford it.

Uncle Bucks joke reminded me of this one;

  A husband and wife are out shooting pool with the husbands best friend. The husband notices his friend checking out his wife every time she bends over to make a shot. "Wow," the friend says, "You're a lucky guy. What I wouldn't give to kiss her nipples."  The husband pulls his wife aside and tells her that they can make some easy money. Reluctantly, she agrees. They figure the friend will pay $500.00 to kiss her nipples and he says he will. So she lifts up her shirt and he pulls up her bra and starts squeezing her tits. He kneads them and rolls her nipples between his fingers. He licks all around her nipples and gently massages her boobs. Finally, after five minutes of this, the husband starts to get pissed. "Will you just kiss her nipples and get it over with," he says. The friend looks up from between her boobs and says, "Man, I'd love to, but I really can't afford it.

Best hustle ever!!! :thumbup: :lol:

dang. i cant tell my jokes...cause they are things i really did....u know, like when you're kinda pissed at someone?!

:P

dang. i cant tell my jokes...cause they are things i really did....u know, like when you're kinda pissed at someone?!

:P

Like a practical joke? Those ARE hard to tell, you kinda have to be there. Since you can't give us that, what else have you got. :flashboobs:

Did you hear about the man and woman astronaut who go to Mars?

Turns out that there are Martians everywhere and they look quite a bit like humans. So the astronauts decide that they should each have sex with a Martian--purely in the interest of science, of course. :P

While the male astronaut goes to a bar to buy a Martian chick some drinks, the female astronaut grabs a Martian man and says, “Let’s do it.”

They go back to the spaceship, the Martian man takes off his clothes, and she’s pretty disappointed at what she sees.

“You want bigger?” asks the Martian man. Then he twists his right ear and is suddenly very long!

The Earth woman still looks disappointed, so the Martian man twists his left ear and adds a bit of girth to match…so the two of them go at it all night long.

The next morning the woman astronaut asks the male astronaut how thinks went with the Martian Chick.

He says, “Great but she almost twisted my ears off!”

"Onions" and "Christmas Tree"

Family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, "Dad, how Many kinds of boobies are
there?
The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging
a
bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?", the wife says.
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, How
many
kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man
goes
through
three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but
reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
only."
:P

Anna had lost her husband almost 4 yrs ago.

Her daughter was Constantly calling her and urging her to get back out into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom! I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another, and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?

"She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same.

She stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit,
but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Anna had lost her husband almost 4 yrs ago.

Her daughter was Constantly calling her and urging her to get back out into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom! I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another, and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?

"She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same.

She stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit,
but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Thanks Foxy! :2thumbsup:

Great effort, Foxy and evade. I can always use a good laugh.