Outline · [ Standard ] · Linear+ Jokes, anyone got any good ones to tell?

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He took a sip and heard a voice say, "Nice tie".
The only other person there was the bartender, and he was standing over at the opposite end of the bar. A few minutes later, the man heard another voice say, "Beautiful shirt".
The man called the bartender over. "I must be losing my mind, " he said. "I keep hearing voices that say nice things."
"It's the peanuts," the bartender said.
"What do you mean?" the man asked.
"It's the peanuts," the bartender repeated.
"They're complimentary."

!!!!
This b for u evade20....

?

Er, Dude....Perhaps this joke is on you. I'm a guy.

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Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-
year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out
on the Dong."


She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

:P

:blink: :P

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A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He took a sip and heard a voice say, "Nice tie".
     The only other person there was the bartender, and he was standing over at the opposite end of the bar. A few minutes later, the man heard another voice say, "Beautiful shirt".
     The man called the bartender over. "I must be losing my mind, " he said. "I keep hearing voices that say nice things."
     "It's the peanuts," the bartender said.
     "What do you mean?" the man asked.
     "It's the peanuts," the bartender repeated.
"They're complimentary."

WOW... that is lame :blink:

:unsure:

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:unsure:

Here is a blonde joke for yall: :roflmao:



A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE c0ckPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.



I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON"
__________________

Here is a blonde joke for yall: :roflmao:
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE c0ckPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON"
__________________

:lol: :lol: Cute.

:lol:  :lol: Cute.

Ok...heres another....nuns..


Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.



In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.



"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side the door.



The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.



"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

Ok...heres another....nuns..
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

:niceones: :niceones:

:niceones:  :niceones:

this vid is pretty funny...how NOT to dump your girlfriend...
http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1700331/

Here is a blonde joke for yall: :roflmao:
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE c0ckPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON"
__________________

Seems like this could actually happen.

this vid is pretty funny...how NOT to dump your girlfriend...
http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1700331/

:ph34r: Nasty break up. :P Too bad the background static was so annoying. Somebody worked really hard to put captions on this.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004


(IMG:http://www.ratemymelons.com/chat/uploads/post-11658-1154364440_thumb.jpg)

The biggest joke of our times...too bad he is so f*cking dangerous. :blink: :unsure:

This post has been edited by evade20: Jul 31 2006, 12:53 PM

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(IMG:http://www.ratemymelons.com/chat/uploads/post-14294-1154388072.jpg)

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
(IMG:http://www.ratemymelons.com/chat/uploads/post-11658-1154364440_thumb.jpg)

The biggest joke of our times...too bad he is so f*cking dangerous. :blink:  :unsure:

good one. :2thumbsup:

good one.  :2thumbsup:

(IMG:http://www.ratemymelons.com/chat/uploads/post-15122-1154478666.gif)

You've noticed a similarity.... :lol: :lol:

B)
A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

'Dammit woman!' he exclaimed. 'Did you lose everything?' :o

After careful scrutiny, the administration of a local school district
decided that a blonde student who challenged her grade had to be given
credit for her answer below. Consequently, the board of education has
warned all of the math teachers to be more explicit in the future when
giving instructions to students who are this "advanced."

After careful scrutiny, the administration of a local school district
decided that a blonde student who challenged her grade had to be given
credit for her answer below. Consequently, the board of education has
warned all of the math teachers to be more explicit in the future when
giving instructions to students who are this "advanced."

:lol:

A Fairy Tale

A Married Couple in their early 60’s was celebrating their 35TH anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being so faithful to each other all of this time, I will grant you each one wish.”

“Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband” said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and poof, two tickets for the Queen Mary III appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said, “Well, this is all very romantic but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed. But a wish is a wish… So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband became 92 years old.

The Moral of the Story:
Men who are ungrateful assholes should remember that fairies are female.

This post has been edited by evade20: Aug 26 2006, 02:13 PM

The Moral of the Story:
Men who are ungrateful assholes should remember that fairies are female.

Not in all cases. :haha:

Not in all cases.  :haha:

You should know! Your the one who has been chasing Gnappster. :nahnah:

Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

Good one.

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Diving test question?

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A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message:"Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Not a joke but a funny "You Tube" link. Kungfooey! :blink:

A man goes into a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bit out of it and notices there is a small hair in the burger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress there is a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what's going on!" So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen and to his horror, he sees the cook take the hamburger and flatten it under his armpit.
"That's disgusting!" He says. The waitress shrugs. "If you think that's disgusting, you should see how he makes the doughnuts."