Yodeling

Have you
ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland ...

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay
for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried.
"We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

I've got to send that to a couple of friends of mine!!!!

What do you call a person with no Arms or Legs?
A Veteran

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them
instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!!

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!


Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't
take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?


Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?


You're not very good at this, are you? < B>


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT
use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another
1000 . Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10 What is the total?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.


If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely
not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right... M aybe.


Fourth Question:

Mary's father has! five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What
is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!


Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating
the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses;
how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.

So how'd ya do?!?!?! not as smart as you thought you were...huh?

Take 60 seconds to do this, it's too funny not to. Who knew google was that dumb?...

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. click on "get directions"
7. scroll down to step #23


Have a nice swim!

That is funny...

Actually, it's the exact right answer for the question asked. You can't drive to London from New York. Obviously. So when someone requests DRIVING directions, what else should they expect?

I thought the same thing , its really not a joke at all its FAct .

So were you the Daughter or the old lady ?

what do a rattlesnake and soft penis have in common ?





you cant fuck with either one ...

What gets longer when pulled and works better when jerked ?






A seat belt ..

IT SEAMS George Bush has the same problem as his father.

he never knows when to pull out .

what is something a wife can say to her husband that will make him happy and sad at the same time ?



Your cock is bigger then your brothers ..

This one has always been a favourite of mine:

A kid is sitting on the edge of a curb tossing up a tube of battery acid, there is a church nearby and a priest walks out and over to the kid and asks: "What you doin there?"

The kid replied, "Oh, just tossing a tube of battery acid"

The priest looks stunned and says, "well you know you shouldn't be playing with battery acid, it's dangerous"

So the priest reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ball of holy water. The preist then says, "i'll trade you this holy water for your battery acid"

The kid goes, "well, what is holy water?"

The preist replies, "well, it's magic"

"What kind of magic does it do?" replied the kid.

"well," the priest said, "I rubbed this on a pregnant woman and she passed a baby"

The kid stands up and goes, "oh yea, i rubbed this on a cat's ass and it passed a camaro"

Billy
First-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of students. The teacher asked Billy, “what is your problem?”

Billy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Billy to the principal’s office. While Billy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the Billy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Billy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Billy.: “9″.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Billy.: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, “I think Billy can go to the third-grade.” Ms Neelam says to the principal, “I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?” The principal and Billy both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Billy, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms Neelam: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
Billy: “Pockets.”
Ms Neelam: “What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?”
Billy: “Coconut.”
Ms Neelam: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Billy: “Bubblegum.”
Ms Neelam: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?”
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…

Billy: “Shake hands.”
Ms Neelam: “Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?”
Billy: “Yep.”
Ms Neelam: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do.”
Billy: “Tent.”
Ms Neelam: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Billy: “Wedding Ring.”
Ms Neelam: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Billy: “Nose.”
Ms Neelam: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Billy: “Arrow.”
Ms Neelam: “What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?”
Billy: “Firetruck.”
Ms Neelam: “What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if u don’t get it you have to use your hand.”
Billy: “Fork.”
Ms Neelam: “What is it that all men have one of it’s longer on some men than
on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?”
Billy: “Surname.”
Ms Neelam: “What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?”
Billy: “Heart.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this Billy to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”

The boss had to fire somebody, so he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached
her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you
or Jack off."

"Could you jack off" she says. "I feel like shit today."

Guy picks up the phone and it's his doctor who says i've got bad news and worse news....the guy is like oh, what's the bad news....the dr replies, you have 24 hours to live...the guy gets all tense and says well if that's the bad news what's the worse news...the dr says i forgot to call you yesterday.

--------

Captain is leading his pirate ship through the open sees, and the crewmen up in the crow's nest yells "ONE ENEMY SHIP STRAIGHT AHEAD", the captain hears this and calls to his first mate and asks him to bring him his red shirt...the first mate looks at the captain weird at first but then goes and gets his shirt the battle then ensues and they end up winning and continue sailing, and as they sail on the first mate approaches the captain.."sir i have to ask you why did you ask for your red shirt yesterday before the battle?"

The captain replied "this way if i am hit the red shirt will camoflauge my blood and we will keep fighting and win the battle"

the first mate shook his head in acknowledgement, then the crewman in the crow's nest yells out "TWENTY ENEMY SHIPS HEADING THIS WAY", the captain turns to his first mate and says "bring me my brown pants"

The Old Motor

He's 80, she's 20.

It was the talk of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing.

How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep the old motor running."


The following year the young bride gave birth again.

The same nurse said: "You're amazing! How do you do it?"

He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor Running."

The same thing happened the next year.

The nurse then said: "Well, well, well!!! You certainly are quite a Man!"

He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Monkey



A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.



While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

The Doctor tells his patient he has good news and bad news, which does he want first. The guy says, "Give me the bad news first". Doc says," I'm sorry to say you've only got two weeks to live". "That's terrible", the guy says. "What's the good news?. The Doctor points to the outer office and says, "See that pretty blonde receptionist with the big tits? I'm fucking her."

love it!

An elderly couple go to see a doctor because they’re having trouble remembering things. After an exam, the doctor says, “You’re fine, but you should write notes to help your memory.”

That night the old woman gets up to go to the kitchen. “Will you get me some vanilla ice cream with strawberries?” the husband asks.

“Sure,” says the wife.

“Shouldn’t you write it down?”

“I don’t have to,” she insists. “It’s vanilla ice cream with strawberries.”

Twenty minutes later she returns with a plate of bacon and eggs.

“Goddamn it,” he yells. “You forgot my fucking toast!”

I really like a joke I can remember and this one is funny enough to repeat.

Two Jewish men, 'Sid' and 'Al' were sitting in a
Mexican restaurant.
Sid asked Al, 'Are there any people of our faith
born and raised in
Mexico?

Al replied, 'I don't know, let's ask our waiter.'

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there
any Mexican Jews?'

and the waiter said, 'I don't know Senor, I'll ask
the cooks.'

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and
said 'No sir, no
Mexican Jews.'

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked,
'Are you absolutely
sure?'

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'Gringos'
gave the expected
answer, 'I will check again, Senor!' and went back
into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, 'I find it
hard to believe that there


are no Jews in Mexico , God said our people are
scattered everywhere.'

The waiter returned and said, 'Senor, the head cook
says 'No Mexican
Jews!'

Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I can't
believe there are no
Mexican Jews!'

'Senor, I ask EVERYONE,' replied the exasperated
waiter. 'We have

orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape
Jews, but no one
ever hear of Mexican Jews!!!'

wow thats is awesome