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RMM Message Board _ Shoot The Breeze _ Jokes
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 12 2006, 02:46 PM
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At
the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so
you were the one who invented the
Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in
inventing something that's pretty unstable,
makes noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally
spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to
professional, you have some major design flaws
in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed
in a few words and waited for the results. The
computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is
flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours.
Posted by: diane26 Apr 12 2006, 02:56 PM
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At
the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so
you were the one who invented the
Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in
inventing something that's pretty unstable,
makes noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally
spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to
professional, you have some major design flaws
in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed
in a few words and waited for the results. The
computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is
flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours.
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 12 2006, 02:59 PM
Now I ride a harley, but here's a favorite of mine:
What's the difference between a haley and a vacuum cleaner...
the location of the dirtbag
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 12 2006, 03:00 PM
What's the difference between a haley and a vacuum cleaner...
the location of the dirtbag
Good one
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 12 2006, 05:12 PM
BEANS
I met a sweet gentleman and we fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the smell of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table, took a seat and just as he was about to remove my
blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it
feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:
Happy Birthday!"
I fainted.
Posted by: 7mary3 Apr 13 2006, 02:56 AM
Late one night in a dark alley a snail was sliming his way home. A turtle approached and street robbed the snail at gun point. The police arrived to investigate and the detective asked the snail to tell him what happened. The snail said, "Well...I don't know... it all happened so fast."
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 13 2006, 09:14 AM
Posted by: UncleBuck Apr 13 2006, 11:28 PM
What do you call a one legged woman?
Ilean----of course
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 14 2006, 09:27 AM
So one atom says to another, "I think I've lost an electron."
the other atom says, "oh, my goodness. Are you sure?"
The first atom say, "oh, I'm positive."
Nothing like laughing at your own jokes.
Posted by: UncleBuck Apr 14 2006, 10:06 AM
What do you get if you cross a donkey with a onion? 
an ass that makes you cry 
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 14 2006, 10:35 AM
an ass that makes you cry
How 'bout if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
elephino
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 14 2006, 10:36 AM
Or...
What do you call a deer with no eyes
no-eyed deer. ( you have to say it out loud to make it funny. being from the south would help too)
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 14 2006, 11:12 AM
Just emailed to me for my joke of the day. Thought I'd share it.
Joke of the day:
Q. How do you know when your staying in an Alabama hotel?
A. When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the desk says "go ahead."
Posted by: natalie Apr 14 2006, 07:34 PM
I heard a black comedian tell this one.
"You know ladies, what you heard about the black men is true. Why do you think they call us knee-grows?
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 15 2006, 12:51 PM
"You know ladies, what you heard about the black men is true. Why do you think they call us knee-grows?
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 17 2006, 11:52 AM
So a guy goes into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing except for Saran Wrap.
the pshychiatrist says to the man, Oh, yeah. I can clearly see your nuts.
Posted by: natalie Apr 17 2006, 05:48 PM
A blonde girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true that babies come out of the same place they put they're thingies?"
"Yes, dear" Replies her mother, pleased the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it all in detail to her daughter.
"But then when I have my baby," resonded the blonde, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Posted by: closeup Apr 17 2006, 06:01 PM
Two sperm are swimming thru a womans body.
One sperm looks over at the other and says, "I'm bushed, how much further is it to the uterus?
The other sperm says, " Uterus? We haven't even passed the esophagus."
Posted by: closeup Apr 17 2006, 06:08 PM
Why can't Smokie the Bears wife get pregnant?
Every time she gets hot, he throws sand on her and beats her with a shovel.
Posted by: natalie Apr 17 2006, 06:09 PM
I've got a million of them.
One day the lord came to adam and said:"I've got some good news and some bad news."
Adam said, "Well, give the good news first." The lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will give you great plaesure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam very excited, exclaimed," These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You'll never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 17 2006, 06:15 PM
One day the lord came to adam and said:"I've got some good news and some bad news."
Adam said, "Well, give the good news first." The lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will give you great plaesure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam very excited, exclaimed," These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You'll never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
funny but true
Posted by: natalie Apr 17 2006, 06:18 PM
I'm addicted now.
Two high school sweathearts graduated and bith wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted on the East coast and the guy on the West coast. They promised to be faithful and spend as much time together as posible. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to reply.
Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters and e-mails trying to win her back.
Soon she became very annoyed with his persistance and sent hima polaroid of her sucking off her new boyfriend.
Well, needless to say he was heart-broken but also pissed-off. He wrote on the back of the photo the following,
"Dear Mom and Dad, ahving a great time at college, please send money! I'm getting pretty desperate!!" And mailed the pic to her parents.
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 17 2006, 06:20 PM
staying with the adam and eve theme...
On the first day, God created the heavens and the earth, then he created man, then on the seventh day he rested. Then God created woman. And since then neither God nor man has rested.
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 17 2006, 06:21 PM
Two high school sweathearts graduated and bith wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted on the East coast and the guy on the West coast. They promised to be faithful and spend as much time together as posible. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to reply.
Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters and e-mails trying to win her back.
Soon she became very annoyed with his persistance and sent hima polaroid of her sucking off her new boyfriend.
Well, needless to say he was heart-broken but also pissed-off. He wrote on the back of the photo the following,
"Dear Mom and Dad, ahving a great time at college, please send money! I'm getting pretty desperate!!" And mailed the pic to her parents.
Oh, great. So now my life story has become a joke
Posted by: closeup Apr 17 2006, 06:24 PM
Natalie, I didn't realize your favorite bone was a funny bone.
Posted by: natalie Apr 17 2006, 06:25 PM
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 17 2006, 06:32 PM
One day the lord came to adam and said:"I've got some good news and some bad news."
Adam said, "Well, give the good news first." The lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will give you great plaesure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam very excited, exclaimed," These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You'll never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
I just was emailed this joke, which I think is the perfect complement to the joke I quoted...
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away....... "We're down here ..."
Posted by: natalie Apr 17 2006, 06:36 PM
Ok Ok last one.
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going rate for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local newspaper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS!
The pastor was so plaesed with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time it won! The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT!
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter it in the races again.
The next day the paper read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS!
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local neswpaper hearing this posted this headline: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a local farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS!
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines said: NUN ANOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE1
tThey buried the Bishop they next day! 
Posted by: closeup Apr 17 2006, 06:45 PM
That joke works perfect on a computer screen. You can't look ahead. You have to keep scrolling down to read the joke. Sexy and funny, Natalie is the whole package.
Posted by: natalie Apr 17 2006, 06:47 PM
LOL and I got all these jokes from a swingers/ hook up magazine. you Canadians might know it it's called La MAGAZINE.
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 18 2006, 03:54 PM
I'm just so happy that my thread has caught on.....we could all use a good laugh now and then
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 18 2006, 03:58 PM
Oh, that's it. I was just thinking that I needed a good laugh and then I saw that you posted in here. Well, I get here and no joke. hmph! That's it. I'm never coming to this thread again!!!
ha ha, just kidding!!
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 18 2006, 03:58 PM
At the Superbowl
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,
a
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting
event in the
world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super
Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married in 1970."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 18 2006, 04:00 PM
The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. ''Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...." ''No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 18 2006, 04:04 PM
This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink.
The bartender pours the drink and says "Listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket".
To this the guy replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home".
Posted by: natalie Apr 18 2006, 04:18 PM
The bartender pours the drink and says "Listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket".
To this the guy replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home".
LMFAO!
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 18 2006, 04:35 PM
The bartender pours the drink and says "Listen pal I'll buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket".
To this the guy replies "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know I've had enough to drink and it's time to go home".
that's a good one!!!
Posted by: 7mary3 Apr 19 2006, 10:21 AM
Why can't a lesbian be on a diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because she can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 19 2006, 12:40 PM
Because she can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face.
Posted by: diane26 Apr 19 2006, 11:49 PM
For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
Here it is below:
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________
***: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting ******* (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 20 2006, 09:35 AM
Here it is below:
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________
***: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting ******* (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chasec) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
keep driving and hope for the bestc) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
drive twice as fast as usualc) you're not sure what "rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
Zoviraxc) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
2 hoursc) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freewayc) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 20 2006, 11:02 AM
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 20 2006, 11:08 AM
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Hilarious x 2
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 20 2006, 11:08 AM
Speaking of lesbians...
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur???
lickalottapuss
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 20 2006, 11:09 AM
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur???
lickalottapuss
I need me one of those dinosaurs
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 20 2006, 11:09 AM
Or...
What do you call it when a girl goes in for a sex change operation???
addadictomy
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 20 2006, 11:13 AM
What do you call it when a girl goes in for a sex change operation???
addadictomy
Did I mention that I suffer from penis envy!
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 20 2006, 11:15 AM
Did I mention that I suffer from penis envy! Suffer no more. you can "have" mine.
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 20 2006, 11:17 AM
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 20 2006, 11:23 AM
Flasher
There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first lady immediately had a stroke.
Then the second lady also had a stroke.
But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 20 2006, 11:26 AM
Nude Gallery
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
Posted by: natalie Apr 20 2006, 01:55 PM
To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain. She divorced him. He was never home.
Posted by: boanna Apr 20 2006, 01:59 PM
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
men!
Posted by: boanna Apr 20 2006, 02:00 PM
omg. i am so slow. i was just gonna ask u where the first part of this joke is?
Posted by: boanna Apr 20 2006, 02:02 PM
There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first lady immediately had a stroke.
Then the second lady also had a stroke.
But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
i dont get it
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 20 2006, 02:05 PM
A stroke
The third one couldn't reach........
Posted by: diane26 Apr 20 2006, 03:02 PM
All the sunglass smile's should be Option B's but anyway you have to have driven in LA to fully appreciate this joke
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 20 2006, 04:07 PM
So there's a pirate who goes into a bar and he's wearing a big steering wheel for a belt buckle. The bartender asks him, "what's with the steering wheel?"
so the pirate says, "Arrr. It's driving me nuts!"
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 20 2006, 05:15 PM
so the pirate says, "Arrr. It's driving me nuts!"
Good one
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 20 2006, 05:19 PM
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Posted by: closeup Apr 21 2006, 11:41 AM
Did you hear about the flasher who was going to retire?
He decided to stick it out for another year.
Posted by: closeup Apr 21 2006, 12:24 PM
Two women are riding bikes to a friend's house when it starts to get dark. "I've never come this way before," says one of the women.
"Me neither," says the other woman. "It must be the cobblestones."
Why do brides wear white?
Because it's nice when the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator.
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 21 2006, 03:28 PM
A blind guy walks into a bar and finds a stool at the bar.
"Hey, want to hear a really great blond joke?" He says when the bartender brings him his drink.
The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over and says in a low voice: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting on your right is 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to his right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. We're all blonds. Think about it, Pal. You really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 24 2006, 02:59 PM
Cowboy and Cowgirl
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps. "Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!"
Posted by: natalie Apr 24 2006, 03:00 PM
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps. "Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!"
LMFAO
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 24 2006, 03:07 PM
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps. "Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!"
DOes that really work???
Posted by: natalie Apr 26 2006, 02:25 PM
Why are you having trouble untying your knots?
Posted by: natalie Apr 26 2006, 02:26 PM
Go to WifemeetsGirlfriend.wmv. Very funny!!!! This guy also does a song called dear Penis.
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 26 2006, 08:10 PM
There is something unusual about these words, see if you can figure it out. The answer is below...but don't peek until you've given it a good shot!
Assess
Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Voodoo
OK, see if you can figure out what these words have in common........
Are you peeking or have you already given up?
Answer:
In all of the listed words, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out?
Posted by: Bobaloo Apr 27 2006, 09:42 AM
Here was my joke of the day:
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8 , and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Posted by: foxy lady Apr 27 2006, 04:39 PM
Posted by: foxy lady May 1 2006, 12:33 AM
American Beer
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!" 
Posted by: big_b May 3 2006, 10:54 AM
Three boys eating lunch at school. The first boy says, my dad is really something, he can eat a whole pizza by himself. The second boy says, so my dad can eat 2 pizzas by himself. The third boy says thats nothing. My dad can eat a window shade! The other two boys confused said how do you know he can eat a window shade? The third boy said, I went to the bathroom the other night, walked past mom and dads bedroom, and heard dad tell mom Pull down that window shade honey, I'm gonna eat that thing! 
Posted by: foxy lady May 3 2006, 11:17 AM
I would've just left the shade open
Posted by: Bobaloo May 3 2006, 11:50 AM
Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Posted by: foxy lady May 3 2006, 11:54 AM
Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Posted by: evade20 May 4 2006, 08:13 AM
Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.
But Barbie wasn't even married to Ken...
just shacking up together...
Posted by: Bobaloo May 4 2006, 11:51 AM
just shacking up together... Yeah, that Barbie sure got around. i know she let me undress her pretty much whenever I wanted
Posted by: natalie May 4 2006, 03:43 PM
just shacking up together... Yeah she did him while he got her friend Midge pregnant with twins. (Anyone else have that doll growing up?)
Posted by: natalie May 4 2006, 03:54 PM
A blond was driving in the country admiring the scenery when she came upon a flock of sheep. She'd always liked sheep so she stopped to pet them. She noticed the farmer on top of the hill and called him over. She asked him if she guessed the exact number of sheep in his flock, if she could have one. Well thinking she had no chance in hell he agreed. "438" she said.
"Yuor right" said the farmer who was surprised to say the least. She went over the fence to pick her sheep and then headed towards her car. Before leaving she turned to the farmer and asked if he wanted to know how she'd guessed correctly.
"No", said the farmer. "But I'd like my dog back."
One more blond joke.
A blond was driving down the road when she started having car trouble. She pulled into a mechanics shop to get it fixed. it took no time at all befor ethe mechanic came out and told her it was done.
"What was wrong with it?" she asked.
"Shit in the carburator" he said.
"How often do I have to do that?" she said.
Posted by: foxy lady May 4 2006, 04:11 PM
Wife saves Drunk Husband
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Posted by: Bobaloo May 4 2006, 04:43 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
now that's a good wife.
Posted by: foxy lady May 5 2006, 01:40 PM
A GAY MAN'S FINAL CHANCE AT FUN!
Three Americans died overseas in the war. The General of the three was sent to each of the houses to inform their spouses.
He went to the first man's house and told the man's wife of the tragic news. She cried for a moment and the General asked her what she wanted to do with his body.'
'Well,"she said,''he loved to fish so I would like to have his body creamated and his ashes spread over the lake so he can be forever with his fish. "And it was done.
The General went and informed the second man's wife. She too cried and was then asked what was to be done with his body? "She said, "Well,he loved to hunt, so I think it would be great if we could have him creamated and have his ashes scattered over the forrests so he can be forever with the creatures that he loved so much."
The third man was gay. The General was a little hesitant but proceeded in telling the man's husband the bad news. The man cried and screamed for well over an hour and then finally calmed down enough to hear the General's question."What would you like to do with his body?"
The gay man responded, "Well,my husband was a good man, but he was not very outgoing. He didn't like to do anything outside the house. He was the best lover I ever had. He was amazing in bed. He loved my chili too. I loved him so much. Well,the only logical thing to do is to have his body cremated, make some chili for dinner,throw his ashes in, and let him burn my ass up one more time!"
Posted by: natalie May 5 2006, 03:51 PM
Bondi might like this one.
A texan farmer goes to Austarlia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that big." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." the conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Taxan sees a herd of kangaroos hoping thru the field. He asks "And what are those?" The Aussie fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you hva eany grasshoppers in Texas?"
Posted by: foxy lady May 5 2006, 03:55 PM
Posted by: Bobaloo May 5 2006, 03:58 PM
Good one, Nat.
here's my joke of the day. It's an old one, but still funny.
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."
Posted by: Just Hangin May 5 2006, 04:00 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Good one hun
Posted by: foxy lady May 5 2006, 04:00 PM
here's my joke of the day. It's an old one, but still funny.
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."
Talk about being between a rock and a hard place
Posted by: Bobaloo May 10 2006, 02:28 PM
Here's my new joke of the day:
A man setting in a bar next to a beautiful lady, who's wearing the tightest fitting pants he has ever seen. He keeps looking at her with wide eyes, so she finally asks, "What's wrong?"
He said, "Lady, I hope you don't mind my being too presumptuous, but I was wondering, just how does a person get into a pair of pants like that?"
She looks at him, smiles, and says, "You might start by buying me a drink."
Posted by: natalie May 10 2006, 04:15 PM
A man setting in a bar next to a beautiful lady, who's wearing the tightest fitting pants he has ever seen. He keeps looking at her with wide eyes, so she finally asks, "What's wrong?"
He said, "Lady, I hope you don't mind my being too presumptuous, but I was wondering, just how does a person get into a pair of pants like that?"
She looks at him, smiles, and says, "You might start by buying me a drink."
Ok Austin Powers not that funny.
Posted by: Bobaloo May 10 2006, 04:21 PM
Hey, I just copied and pasted the joke of the day that was emailed to me. I don't write 'em, I just plagiarize.
Posted by: natalie May 11 2006, 03:45 PM
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again her husband died. But, she re-married and had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Satnding before her coffin, the preaher prayed for her. He thanked the lord, for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied " I think he means he legs."
Posted by: foxy lady May 11 2006, 04:57 PM
Posted by: foxy lady May 16 2006, 08:53 PM
Funeral Funny!
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted
Posted by: belicked6924 May 16 2006, 09:34 PM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted
Posted by: Bobaloo May 19 2006, 09:04 PM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted
absolutely hilarious!!!
Posted by: Bobaloo May 22 2006, 03:55 PM
And oldie but goodie
1-800-PSYCHIC
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Posted by: Bobaloo May 23 2006, 10:30 AM
Here's my joke of the day. Not funny, but it made me chuckle:
A blind man with a seeing-eye dog goes into a large Department Store.
He wanders about for a while, then stops, snatches the dog up by its tail, and begins to twirl it around over his head.
Upon seeing this, a clerk goes to the blind man and says "May I help you, sir?", to which the blind man responds, "No, thank you, I.m just looking around."
Posted by: foxy lady May 23 2006, 04:51 PM
A blind man with a seeing-eye dog goes into a large Department Store.
He wanders about for a while, then stops, snatches the dog up by its tail, and begins to twirl it around over his head.
Upon seeing this, a clerk goes to the blind man and says "May I help you, sir?", to which the blind man responds, "No, thank you, I.m just looking around."
Posted by: Bobaloo May 25 2006, 08:41 AM
Here's one the kids can tell...
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one.
The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25."
A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts"
The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.."
Posted by: evade20 May 31 2006, 10:11 AM
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is
contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is
called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the
past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected
include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with
messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to
incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia,
inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by
misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of
geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy,
categorical all-or-nothing behavior, and the inability to pronounce the
word nuclear.
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive
disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
Posted by: evade20 May 31 2006, 10:15 AM
Subject: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too cool to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Yes, thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: MAC?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer is Lou?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: MAC?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO:! Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for wind! ows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you c lick the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: W! hy not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
Posted by: evade20 May 31 2006, 10:23 AM
Women in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm 'n
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a
heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Posted by: foxy lady May 31 2006, 11:37 AM
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm 'n
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,
and down into the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I
became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a
heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Absolutely hilarious
Posted by: Bobaloo May 31 2006, 12:31 PM
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
Posted by: foxy lady May 31 2006, 12:52 PM
No Specka de English
The bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'
Posted by: evade20 May 31 2006, 12:54 PM
The bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'
Posted by: foxy lady May 31 2006, 01:11 PM
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
Posted by: evade20 May 31 2006, 04:02 PM
BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
(A Message from John
Cleese To the citizens of the United States of
America):
"In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
"neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels - (look up
vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save
The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a
gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are
hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without
the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US
gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real
chips. Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist
on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell
attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will
stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are
aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due(backdated to
1776
Posted by: foxy lady May 31 2006, 09:46 PM
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a day."
Posted by: evade20 May 31 2006, 09:54 PM
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a day."
Posted by: evade20 Jun 2 2006, 10:29 AM
This pic from Kathleen's thread made me think up this one (admittedly male bashing)
Why is a man better than a cactus?
Because were not ALL such pricks.
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 2 2006, 10:32 AM
This pic from Kathleen's thread made me think up this one (admittedly male bashing)
Why is a man better than a cactus?
Because were not ALL such pricks.
Debatable but funny
Posted by: evade20 Jun 2 2006, 10:36 AM
ooooo Maybe Kathleen is trying to develop a thornless cactus variety.
Posted by: evade20 Jun 6 2006, 10:01 PM
Robot Bartender
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and
then>asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot
proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors,
quantum physics and Spirituality, biomimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the Kama
Sutra.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "this is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man
responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking about
NASCAR, supermodels, hunting, beer and women's breasts.
Really! impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He! heads out and returns, the robot serves him
and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the
robot says... Real slowly... "So............... Ya gonna vote for Bush
again?"
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 7 2006, 08:31 AM
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and
then>asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot
proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors,
quantum physics and Spirituality, biomimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the Kama
Sutra.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "this is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man
responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking about
NASCAR, supermodels, hunting, beer and women's breasts.
Really! impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He! heads out and returns, the robot serves him
and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the
robot says... Real slowly... "So............... Ya gonna vote for Bush
again?"
Posted by: Bobaloo Jun 7 2006, 05:54 PM
A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of fighting. "How are we faring?" his king asks.
"Very well, sire," replies the knight. "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf, burning the towns of all your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
Posted by: evade20 Jun 9 2006, 11:36 PM
Sometimes this is true even on this board:
I have a German Shepherd that likes to chew things up. Fortunately this has never happened.
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 9 2006, 11:46 PM
I have a German Shepherd that likes to chew things up. Fortunately this has never happened.
That is just freaking hilarious......I know what I'm buying for my inlaws dog for Xmas
Posted by: evade20 Jun 10 2006, 12:00 AM
That is just freaking hilarious......I know what I'm buying for my inlaws dog for Xmas A .gif is worth a thousand words.
Or mabe the .gif that keeps on giving.
Posted by: Bobaloo Jun 10 2006, 09:37 AM
Or mabe the .gif that keeps on giving.
You mean, it's the .gif that keeps of .gifing
Posted by: evade20 Jun 10 2006, 09:54 AM
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I
believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two
butts a day."
I've passed this joke on to several people.
Now here is a funny thing:Johnfreak posts a birthday list every morning and I regularly go through and send happy birthday greetings out to the some of the members of that list. This morning I noticed that it was Esmeralda's birthday. Now you might ask, "Who the hell is Esmeralda?" Beats me?
The funny thing is her (alleged) location: State= Vatican City, Country= Holy See (Vatican City). Maybe we have a kinky Sister among us. The other funny birthday, today, is someone with the user name "lemon." Yesterday, Frenchguy_pa posted a chart in a topic which he named "And You?" in the "Shoot the breeze" conference. One of the pictured shapes of breasts was "lemon". When I went to wish lemon a happy birthday, I got an error message saying that the email list was empty...Bogus lemons, I guess.
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 10 2006, 04:30 PM
Now here is a funny thing:Johnfreak posts a birthday list every morning and I regularly go through and send happy birthday greetings out to the some of the members of that list. This morning I noticed that it was Esmeralda's birthday. Now you might ask, "Who the hell is Esmeralda?" Beats me?
The funny thing is her (alleged) location: State= Vatican City, Country= Holy See (Vatican City). Maybe we have a kinky Sister among us. The other funny birthday, today, is someone with the user name "lemon." Yesterday, Frenchguy_pa posted a chart in a topic which he named "And You?" in the "Shoot the breeze" conference. One of the pictured shapes of breasts was "lemon". When I went to wish lemon a happy birthday, I got an error message saying that the email list was empty...Bogus lemons, I guess.
I'm glad you liked the joke
But now you got me wondering ... what fruit am I ?
Posted by: evade20 Jun 10 2006, 06:54 PM
But now you got me wondering ... what fruit am I ?
I'd have to use body braille to fined out!
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 12 2006, 11:42 AM
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies the cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the
man's pecker hanging out of his fly for all the world to see...
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
Posted by: ndboxer Jun 13 2006, 10:46 AM
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies the cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the
man's pecker hanging out of his fly for all the world to see...
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
Posted by: Bobaloo Jun 14 2006, 09:30 AM
Great joke, Foxy!!!
here's my joke of the day
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 14 2006, 09:33 AM
here's my joke of the day
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
Ouch
Posted by: ndboxer Jun 14 2006, 12:42 PM
here's my joke of the day
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
How did gnappy get past security anyways??
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 14 2006, 01:27 PM
Unlucky Flea
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"
The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".
The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache! 
Posted by: evade20 Jun 14 2006, 04:40 PM
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"
The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".
The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
Posted by: belicked6924 Jun 14 2006, 07:31 PM
stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
Jokes are so much funnier when they're from personal experience
Note: not from my experience
Posted by: evade20 Jun 15 2006, 07:44 AM
Note: not from my experience
Closeup's stick figure experience....That's Closeup not closeup2, closeup3, closeup4,...er whatever.
Posted by: Bobaloo Jun 15 2006, 02:38 PM
A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site.
She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.
Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"
The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 16 2006, 04:21 PM
Only I Can Have This!
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says,
"See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,
"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
Posted by: evade20 Jun 16 2006, 04:43 PM
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says,
"See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".
The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.
She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah".
The little boy angrily points to his bike and says,
"Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"
She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says,
"Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!".
The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
OOOOO! Foxy, Your so hot....
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 19 2006, 10:41 PM
NEWFIE IN THE MORGUE
Clyde the Newfie died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly
and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So they sent
for his two best friends, Danny and Joey.
Danny went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Danny said,
"Yees bye he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Danny looked down and
said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Joey in to identify the body and Joey took a look at him and said,
"Yees by, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."
The Mortician rolled him over and Joey looked down and
said: "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Joey said, "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yees bye, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.
Every time the three of us went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Clyde with them two assholes ."
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 22 2006, 11:47 AM
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the
urinal. The guy has no
arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to
himself how the poor wretch
is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks
Bob to help him out
.. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks,
Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH,
yeah, OK... Bob pulls
it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes,
moles, scabs and reeks
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points
it for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I
really appreciate it. Bob
says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls
his arms out of shirt
and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
Posted by: evade20 Jun 22 2006, 12:31 PM
urinal. The guy has no
arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to
himself how the poor wretch
is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks
Bob to help him out
.. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks,
Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH,
yeah, OK... Bob pulls
it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes,
moles, scabs and reeks
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points
it for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I
really appreciate it. Bob
says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls
his arms out of shirt
and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
Posted by: Bobaloo Jun 22 2006, 03:51 PM
that is absolutely disgusting yet twice as funny!
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 22 2006, 04:02 PM
I thought so too
Posted by: Gnappster Jun 22 2006, 04:04 PM
bastard!
urinal. The guy has no
arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to
himself how the poor wretch
is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks
Bob to help him out
.. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks,
Can you unzip my zipper?
Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH,
yeah, OK... Bob pulls
it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes,
moles, scabs and reeks
something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points
it for him. Bob then
shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I
really appreciate it. Bob
says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls
his arms out of shirt
and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT...
Posted by: evade20 Jun 22 2006, 07:52 PM
Must be one of those Nurse Jokes.
My sister was an OR nurse who pretty much speciallized in open heart surgury in a big urban hospital. She use to tell some of the rauchiest jokes that she had heard over someone's split open chest...frequently told by one of the surgeons. She claimed it was a way to relieve the tension which you could cut with a knife (er I mean a scapel). She has since retired from the profession.
Posted by: evade20 Jun 23 2006, 10:29 PM
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"Two prostitutes -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same officer was in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter .. $50"
_________________________________________________
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit."
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 23 2006, 11:39 PM
"Two prostitutes -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled "Their sign pertains to religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same officer was in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter .. $50"
_________________________________________________
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit."
Now that is funny
Posted by: evade20 Jun 23 2006, 11:49 PM
Which one?
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 24 2006, 01:58 PM
The hubby giving himself away
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 26 2006, 09:46 AM
Take Your Choice
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
Posted by: evade20 Jun 26 2006, 10:42 AM
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
YUK!
Posted by: Bobaloo Jun 26 2006, 01:26 PM
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
Some bitches never learn!
Posted by: evade20 Jun 26 2006, 03:02 PM
Off with his head!
Posted by: evade20 Jun 27 2006, 10:39 AM
A funny You_Tube production of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAJgFDCU3So
Definitely worth watching.
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 27 2006, 12:20 PM
Math Lesson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Posted by: ndboxer Jun 27 2006, 01:16 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Posted by: evade20 Jun 27 2006, 02:45 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Posted by: evade20 Jun 28 2006, 06:37 AM
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?'
The guy says, 'I'm from Iowa.'
The bartender asks, 'What the heck you do in Iowa?'
The guy responds, 'I'm a taxidermist.'
The bartender asks, 'A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?'
The guy says nervously, 'I mount animals.'
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, 'It's okay boys, he's one of us!'
Posted by: foxy lady Jun 30 2006, 04:56 PM
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?'
The guy says, 'I'm from Iowa.'
The bartender asks, 'What the heck you do in Iowa?'
The guy responds, 'I'm a taxidermist.'
The bartender asks, 'A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?'
The guy says nervously, 'I mount animals.'
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, 'It's okay boys, he's one of us!'
Posted by: evade20 Jul 10 2006, 12:30 PM
A white missionary was spreading the gospel to the dark natives deep in the jungle. He taught them to read and write, and he taught them good Christian ways. He particularly stressed the evils of sexual sin.
One day the chief's wife gave birth, and the tribesmen broke into the missionary's hut, seized him, and brought him to the chief, where they threw him face down in the dirt.
The missionary was very frightened, and feared for his life. Not raising his head from the floor, he asked, "Oh mighty chief, what have I, a poor white missionary, done to deserve your displeasure?"
"You hypocrite!" shouted the chief. "How dare you presume to teach us about sexual sin! Raise your head and look at this!" The chief held up his newborn child who was white! The missionary knew about albinos, but had no idea how to explain this to the chief. "I can explain how these things happen; please, let me stand." The chief allowed this, and the missionary explained, "What you have here is a natural occurrence - an albino. Look at your flock of sheep. All of them are white, yet among them is one black one. Nature occasionally allows things like this to happen."
The chief thought for a moment, and replied, "Tell you what. I won't blame you for the colour of my child, as long as you keep quiet about the sheep."
Posted by: foxy lady Jul 10 2006, 02:43 PM
One day the chief's wife gave birth, and the tribesmen broke into the missionary's hut, seized him, and brought him to the chief, where they threw him face down in the dirt.
The missionary was very frightened, and feared for his life. Not raising his head from the floor, he asked, "Oh mighty chief, what have I, a poor white missionary, done to deserve your displeasure?"
"You hypocrite!" shouted the chief. "How dare you presume to teach us about sexual sin! Raise your head and look at this!" The chief held up his newborn child who was white! The missionary knew about albinos, but had no idea how to explain this to the chief. "I can explain how these things happen; please, let me stand." The chief allowed this, and the missionary explained, "What you have here is a natural occurrence - an albino. Look at your flock of sheep. All of them are white, yet among them is one black one. Nature occasionally allows things like this to happen."
The chief thought for a moment, and replied, "Tell you what. I won't blame you for the colour of my child, as long as you keep quiet about the sheep."
Now that's compromising for ya
Posted by: evade20 Jul 10 2006, 03:43 PM
Canary Wharf,
An American walking through the streets of London, passed under Canary Wharf (London's biggest building). As he stood there looking up, a lad joined him.
After a while, the American turned to the kid and said, 'Do you realize, son,that we have buildings like that in the States, only they're three times the size?'
'I'm not surprised,' said the kid. 'That's a Lunatic Asylum!'
And we house our craziest nuts in the White House!
Posted by: evade20 Jul 11 2006, 12:59 PM
Paradise:
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
'Look at their reserve, their calm,' muses the Brit. 'They must be British.'
'Nonsense,' the Frenchman disagrees. 'They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.'
'No clothes, no shelter,' the Russian points out, 'they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian.'
Posted by: morpheusone Jul 11 2006, 04:03 PM
that's a funny one
Posted by: Christof Jul 11 2006, 04:22 PM
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the resident sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Posted by: closeup8 Jul 11 2006, 04:32 PM
A big burly biker walks into a bar and sits on an empty stool between 8 guys. After ordering a beer, he looks over to his left and says, " All you asswipes are a bunch of cocksuckers. Anybody got a problem with that?" Nobody says a word. He turns to his right and says, "And all you dickheads are a bunch of motherfuckers. Any one got a problem with that?" Again, silence. As he's taking a sip off his beer, he sees a guy on his right get up off his seat and come towards him. "You got a problem with what I'm saying?" he asks. "Oh, no sir," says the guy as he goes past, "I'm sitting on the wrong side of the bar."
Posted by: chelsey Jul 12 2006, 02:20 PM
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position,
so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their
search down to three people.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all
the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the
best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman
is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man
is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's
name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give
their answers. The first one says "My answer is, there IS no
answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third guy says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or
Willie Nailer."
He got the job.
Posted by: evade20 Jul 12 2006, 03:40 PM
so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their
search down to three people.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all
the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the
best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman
is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man
is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's
name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give
their answers. The first one says "My answer is, there IS no
answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third guy says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or
Willie Nailer."
He got the job.
Posted by: foxy lady Jul 12 2006, 04:35 PM
so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their
search down to three people.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all
the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the
best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman
is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man
is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's
name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give
their answers. The first one says "My answer is, there IS no
answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third guy says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or
Willie Nailer."
He got the job.
That's funny chelsey
Posted by: chelsey Jul 13 2006, 02:36 PM
so would ya turn'er or nail'er huh?
Posted by: evade20 Jul 13 2006, 03:43 PM
Ya mean I have to choose? I can't just turn her and then nailer?
Posted by: evade20 Jul 13 2006, 03:57 PM
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.
Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
I thought i told you to call your mom, she says. I did, he says, and she told me that if i could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
Posted by: chelsey Jul 13 2006, 04:27 PM
Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
I thought i told you to call your mom, she says. I did, he says, and she told me that if i could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
Posted by: evade20 Jul 13 2006, 09:02 PM
Might be a repeat...
Posted by: rdmoscow1808 Jul 13 2006, 09:15 PM
Awoman went into a sports store to buy a fishing pole for her son. She found one that looked good and wanted to know more about it. She stopped the clerk that was walking down the aisle and asked"sir, could you tell me something about this rod and reel?" The man said " I am sorry, but I am blind. If you would throw the rod and reel on the counter, I can tell you all about it from the sounds it makes."
Thinking this was alittle strange,l she complys and thorws the rod and reel combo on the counter. The blind man says " that is a 404 zebco reel with anti-stretch brakes, a 10 pound test line and a 3/4 oz plug on it. Right now it is on sale this weekend for $20.00"
She looked at the blind man and said "Amazing...let me get out my money and pay for this." She pulled out the money, but it dfopped on the floor. As she was bending down, she let out a fart only she thought noone would hear. Embarassed, she put the money on the counter, and the blind man rang it up. "this will b a total of 33.50, please"
"But you told me it was $20.00!!. How can the price go up so fast?"
The blind man stated..."that is $20.00 for the combo, but the duck call is $10.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50!!!"
Posted by: evade20 Jul 13 2006, 10:03 PM
Thinking this was alittle strange,l she complys and thorws the rod and reel combo on the counter. The blind man says " that is a 404 zebco reel with anti-stretch brakes, a 10 pound test line and a 3/4 oz plug on it. Right now it is on sale this weekend for $20.00"
She looked at the blind man and said "Amazing...let me get out my money and pay for this." She pulled out the money, but it dfopped on the floor. As she was bending down, she let out a fart only she thought noone would hear. Embarassed, she put the money on the counter, and the blind man rang it up. "this will b a total of 33.50, please"
"But you told me it was $20.00!!. How can the price go up so fast?"
The blind man stated..."that is $20.00 for the combo, but the duck call is $10.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50!!!"
Posted by: evade20 Jul 16 2006, 04:59 PM
What, Is everyone out of jokes?
Posted by: evade20 Jul 17 2006, 09:06 AM
Three men are walking down the country lane one day and see a solitary sheep standing by the fence. The Australian, says "Gees mate, I wish that was Elle MacPherson". The Italian says "I wish that was Sophia Loren". The NZer looks sheepish and says "Phoo Aye boys, I just wish it was dark"
Posted by: Bobaloo Jul 17 2006, 11:21 AM
10 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE
10. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
9. I finished off the triple chocolate fudge ice cream, sorry.
8. It's not like your thighs are gonna stay that flabby forever... are they?
7. With a bod like that, you'd never guess that Angelina Jolie had a baby!
6. Whoa, for a minute there I thought I had woken up next to walrus!
5. I'm thinkin' we name the baby after my secretary, Buffy.
4. Ya know… I head that Richard Simmons guy does house calls now.
3. Oh here's the remote... it was lodged under your belly.
2. Britney Spears was cute.... until she started having kids.
1. You don't have the guts to pull the trigger...
Posted by: evade20 Jul 17 2006, 12:29 PM
10. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
9. I finished off the triple chocolate fudge ice cream, sorry.
8. It's not like your thighs are gonna stay that flabby forever... are they?
7. With a bod like that, you'd never guess that Angelina Jolie had a baby!
6. Whoa, for a minute there I thought I had woken up next to walrus!
5. I'm thinkin' we name the baby after my secretary, Buffy.
4. Ya know… I head that Richard Simmons guy does house calls now.
3. Oh here's the remote... it was lodged under your belly.
2. Britney Spears was cute.... until she started having kids.
1. You don't have the guts to pull the trigger...
oooo And you just got married! Your treading on dangerous territory.
Posted by: evade20 Jul 18 2006, 12:40 PM
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
'Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!
'Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!
'Irving, do you remember that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money.'
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, 'Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes...'
Posted by: rdmoscow1808 Jul 19 2006, 09:28 AM
n the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom
loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into
a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to
no avail, for he had gone to town with the only
tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new
Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken
sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had
time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was
surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the
shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop
of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward
and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the
horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to
the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when
he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit,
and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the
horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled
the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
hangy - down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him
up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A
Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
This b for u evade20....
Posted by: closeup Jul 23 2006, 10:17 PM
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He took a sip and heard a voice say, "Nice tie".
The only other person there was the bartender, and he was standing over at the opposite end of the bar. A few minutes later, the man heard another voice say, "Beautiful shirt".
The man called the bartender over. "I must be losing my mind, " he said. "I keep hearing voices that say nice things."
"It's the peanuts," the bartender said.
"What do you mean?" the man asked.
"It's the peanuts," the bartender repeated.
"They're complimentary."
Posted by: evade20 Jul 24 2006, 01:24 PM
This b for u evade20....
?
Er, Dude....Perhaps this joke is on you. I'm a guy.
Posted by: foxy lady Jul 25 2006, 03:51 PM
Sunday Morning Sex
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-
year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out
on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
Posted by: evade20 Jul 27 2006, 07:58 AM
Posted by: bondiguy Jul 27 2006, 08:35 AM
The only other person there was the bartender, and he was standing over at the opposite end of the bar. A few minutes later, the man heard another voice say, "Beautiful shirt".
The man called the bartender over. "I must be losing my mind, " he said. "I keep hearing voices that say nice things."
"It's the peanuts," the bartender said.
"What do you mean?" the man asked.
"It's the peanuts," the bartender repeated.
"They're complimentary."
WOW... that is lame
Posted by: evade20 Jul 27 2006, 01:14 PM
Posted by: damnyankee Jul 27 2006, 08:50 PM
Here is a blonde joke for yall:
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE c0ckPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON"
__________________
Posted by: evade20 Jul 27 2006, 09:00 PM
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE c0ckPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON"
__________________
Cute.
Posted by: damnyankee Jul 27 2006, 09:03 PM
Cute.Ok...heres another....nuns..
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
Posted by: evade20 Jul 27 2006, 09:06 PM
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
Posted by: damnyankee Jul 27 2006, 09:08 PM
this vid is pretty funny...how NOT to dump your girlfriend...
http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1700331/
Posted by: johnny wadd Jul 27 2006, 09:32 PM
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE c0ckPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON"
__________________
Seems like this could actually happen.
Posted by: evade20 Jul 28 2006, 12:49 PM
http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1700331/
Nasty break up. Too bad the background static was so annoying. Somebody worked really hard to put captions on this.
Posted by: evade20 Jul 31 2006, 12:52 PM
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
The biggest joke of our times...too bad he is so f*cking dangerous.
Posted by: evade20 Aug 1 2006, 12:26 PM
Posted by: damnyankee Aug 1 2006, 08:31 PM
The biggest joke of our times...too bad he is so f*cking dangerous.
good one.
Posted by: evade20 Aug 1 2006, 09:13 PM
You've noticed a similarity....
Posted by: evade20 Aug 2 2006, 12:27 PM
A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
'Dammit woman!' he exclaimed. 'Did you lose everything?'
Posted by: belicked6924 Aug 2 2006, 08:04 PM
After careful scrutiny, the administration of a local school district
decided that a blonde student who challenged her grade had to be given
credit for her answer below. Consequently, the board of education has
warned all of the math teachers to be more explicit in the future when
giving instructions to students who are this "advanced."
[attachmentid=25483]
Posted by: evade20 Aug 2 2006, 08:06 PM
decided that a blonde student who challenged her grade had to be given
credit for her answer below. Consequently, the board of education has
warned all of the math teachers to be more explicit in the future when
giving instructions to students who are this "advanced."
[attachmentid=25483]
Posted by: evade20 Aug 4 2006, 10:27 AM
A Fairy Tale
A Married Couple in their early 60’s was celebrating their 35TH anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being so faithful to each other all of this time, I will grant you each one wish.”
“Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband” said the wife.
The fairy waved her magic wand and poof, two tickets for the Queen Mary III appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said, “Well, this is all very romantic but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed. But a wish is a wish… So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband became 92 years old.
The Moral of the Story:
Men who are ungrateful assholes should remember that fairies are female.
Posted by: belicked6924 Aug 4 2006, 12:05 PM
Men who are ungrateful assholes should remember that fairies are female.
Not in all cases.
Posted by: evade20 Aug 4 2006, 03:17 PM
You should know! Your the one who has been chasing Gnappster.
Posted by: belicked6924 Aug 8 2006, 10:17 AM
Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.
Posted by: evade20 Aug 8 2006, 02:55 PM
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.
Good one.
Posted by: evade20 Aug 8 2006, 04:06 PM
Diving test question?
Posted by: evade20 Aug 8 2006, 04:19 PM
...
Posted by: belicked6924 Aug 12 2006, 05:31 AM
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote: "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message:"Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Posted by: evade20 Aug 16 2006, 08:22 AM
Not a joke but a funny "You Tube" link. http://www.yourfilehost.com/media.php?cat=video&file=kungfuscrewups.WMV
Posted by: janeyanne Aug 23 2006, 07:14 PM
A man goes into a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bit out of it and notices there is a small hair in the burger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress there is a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what's going on!" So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen and to his horror, he sees the cook take the hamburger and flatten it under his armpit.
"That's disgusting!" He says. The waitress shrugs. "If you think that's disgusting, you should see how he makes the doughnuts."
Posted by: evade20 Aug 26 2006, 02:12 PM
"That's disgusting!" He says. The waitress shrugs. "If you think that's disgusting, you should see how he makes the doughnuts."
I'll pass on the Doughnuts!
Posted by: foxy lady Aug 28 2006, 08:48 AM
Funeral Procession
Here You Go Girls (and dog lovers) Your Laugh for the Day !!!!!
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when
she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black
hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse
was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, wereabout 200 women walking
single file. The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for
your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have
never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
A WOMAN'S PRAYER:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To
forgive him and Patience, For his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
Posted by: ddd35 Sep 1 2006, 02:13 PM
I bought a prize rooster , had in my yard , well the neighbers donkey came over and chased the rooster around till he caught it then he ate the legs off it , So I went and visited the neighber , SIR WE HAVE A PROBLEM YOUR ASS HAS 2 FEET OF MY COCK IN IT .......
Posted by: evade20 Sep 5 2006, 04:44 PM
A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was escorted into the lawyer's office.
The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?"
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions."
"Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?"
"Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?"
Posted by: closeup Sep 5 2006, 06:12 PM
This sounds like a joke but it really happened:
A friend of mine owns a recruiting business, basically a headhunter. He sent a secretary out on a job interveiw last week. He swears this is what the prospective employer told him.
Employer: We can start you out at eight dollars an hour. After three months it
goes to ten per hour. When will you be available to start?
Secretary: In three months.
The employer laughed then hired her right then and agreed to ten per hour to start.
Posted by: evade20 Sep 15 2006, 04:55 PM
Did you hear about the priest and the nun who took the afternoon off to go golfing?
The priest takes a huge swing at the ball, whiffs it, and says, Shit I missed.
The nun looks up sharply and says, Father, youd better watch you language!
A couple of holes later, the priest whiffs it again and says, Shit I missed.
And the nun says, Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.
On the next tee, the priest whiffs it and once again says, Shit! I missed.
At that moment the sky turns black, the clouds rumble, and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes down and strikes the nun dead in her tracks.
And then a voice from the sky says, Shit! I missed.
(From page 18 of The Tao Of Wille, by Willie Nelson, Gotham Books, © May 2006)
I’m sure Willie was just repeating something he had heard from a friend or a fan. I wouldn’t recommend walking next to me outdoors anytime real soon for repeating this joke.
Posted by: rdmoscow1808 Sep 19 2006, 09:25 PM
A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for
herself,
>and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the
side
>of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she
begins
>screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"
>
>The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest
prize
>given away was a stero system!"
>
>The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"
>
>By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too
>argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't
have
>that as one of our prizes."
>
>Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"
>
>The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A
>BAGEL."
>
Posted by: COMEDYMAN Sep 20 2006, 07:23 PM
Classic one line from the late great Buddy Hackett....
Robber walks up to a man " This is a fuckup!!!" Man goes, " Don't you mean a stickup!!??" Robber says, " No, this is a fuckup, I forgot my gun!"
Posted by: Bobaloo Sep 22 2006, 10:46 AM
Robber walks up to a man " This is a fuckup!!!" Man goes, " Don't you mean a stickup!!??" Robber says, " No, this is a fuckup, I forgot my gun!"
classic!!!
how 'bout this... A little joke that 3d can relate to
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because sheep can hear zippers.
Posted by: Christof Sep 24 2006, 07:13 AM
3 women are in a cafe chatting, 1st one says I'm having a boob job, 2nd woman says im having my areshole bleached, 3rd woman says I cant imagine your husband with blonde hair.
Thank you, I'm here all week, try the lobster
Posted by: UncleBuck Oct 3 2006, 02:36 PM
An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks,
"Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?"
The man replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"
Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says,
"Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager,
"Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, more recurrences of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?"
The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?"
Posted by: evade20 Oct 3 2006, 03:16 PM
"Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?"
The man replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"
Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says,
"Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager,
"Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, more recurrences of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?"
The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?"
Isn't "Five Star Hotel" & Australia an Oximoron?
Posted by: HardDick69 Oct 3 2006, 04:35 PM
What kinda bees make milk?
"boo bees" ......lmao. *bows*
Posted by: Bobaloo Oct 3 2006, 04:39 PM
"boo bees" ......lmao. *bows*
I love that joke, but you cut out half of it. Here's how it should go...
If honeybees make honey, what kind of bees make milk?
boobies!!!
Posted by: HardDick69 Oct 3 2006, 04:46 PM
If honeybees make honey, what kind of bees make milk?
boobies!!!
haha oops! My mistake, yah a great joke, it definitely fits this board
I assumed that someone else had already posted it, but I wasn't going to read 8 pages of replies just to see if someone had posted that joke haha.
Posted by: Bobaloo Oct 3 2006, 05:06 PM
I assumed that someone else had already posted it, but I wasn't going to read 8 pages of replies just to see if someone had posted that joke haha.
Never seen it here. I often think of posting it, but never when I'm online. But now it's been taken care of so no need to worry about it anymore. I was going to post some pics of PD up in http://www.ratemymelons.com/chat/Bobaloo-t786.html but you might as well take care of that for me too
(I sure hope that trick works :crossedfingersesmiley: )
Posted by: UncleBuck Oct 3 2006, 09:58 PM
Older but not Wiser
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Posted by: HardDick69 Oct 4 2006, 03:27 PM
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
lmao that's awesome, good one
Posted by: HardDick69 Oct 4 2006, 03:28 PM
(I sure hope that trick works :crossedfingersesmiley: )
haha I'll see what I can do
Posted by: Bobaloo Oct 4 2006, 03:51 PM
sweet!!! My 411 thread will be the new hangout
Posted by: HardDick69 Oct 4 2006, 04:09 PM
Yah ppl will have to donate to your paypay account before they can gain access to your 411.
An exclusive club for pervs doesn't come cheap ya know
Posted by: closeup Oct 4 2006, 10:34 PM
Uncle Bucks joke reminded me of this one;
A husband and wife are out shooting pool with the husbands best friend. The husband notices his friend checking out his wife every time she bends over to make a shot. "Wow," the friend says, "You're a lucky guy. What I wouldn't give to kiss her nipples." The husband pulls his wife aside and tells her that they can make some easy money. Reluctantly, she agrees. They figure the friend will pay $500.00 to kiss her nipples and he says he will. So she lifts up her shirt and he pulls up her bra and starts squeezing her tits. He kneads them and rolls her nipples between his fingers. He licks all around her nipples and gently massages her boobs. Finally, after five minutes of this, the husband starts to get pissed. "Will you just kiss her nipples and get it over with," he says. The friend looks up from between her boobs and says, "Man, I'd love to, but I really can't afford it.
Posted by: Bobaloo Oct 5 2006, 11:23 AM
A husband and wife are out shooting pool with the husbands best friend. The husband notices his friend checking out his wife every time she bends over to make a shot. "Wow," the friend says, "You're a lucky guy. What I wouldn't give to kiss her nipples." The husband pulls his wife aside and tells her that they can make some easy money. Reluctantly, she agrees. They figure the friend will pay $500.00 to kiss her nipples and he says he will. So she lifts up her shirt and he pulls up her bra and starts squeezing her tits. He kneads them and rolls her nipples between his fingers. He licks all around her nipples and gently massages her boobs. Finally, after five minutes of this, the husband starts to get pissed. "Will you just kiss her nipples and get it over with," he says. The friend looks up from between her boobs and says, "Man, I'd love to, but I really can't afford it.
Best hustle ever!!!
Posted by: boanna Oct 13 2006, 03:47 PM
dang. i cant tell my jokes...cause they are things i really did....u know, like when you're kinda pissed at someone?!
Posted by: closeup Oct 13 2006, 04:06 PM
Like a practical joke? Those ARE hard to tell, you kinda have to be there. Since you can't give us that, what else have you got.
Posted by: evade20 Oct 18 2006, 03:33 PM
Did you hear about the man and woman astronaut who go to Mars?
Turns out that there are Martians everywhere and they look quite a bit like humans. So the astronauts decide that they should each have sex with a Martian--purely in the interest of science, of course.
While the male astronaut goes to a bar to buy a Martian chick some drinks, the female astronaut grabs a Martian man and says, “Let’s do it.”
They go back to the spaceship, the Martian man takes off his clothes, and she’s pretty disappointed at what she sees.
“You want bigger?” asks the Martian man. Then he twists his right ear and is suddenly very long!
The Earth woman still looks disappointed, so the Martian man twists his left ear and adds a bit of girth to match…so the two of them go at it all night long.
The next morning the woman astronaut asks the male astronaut how thinks went with the Martian Chick.
He says, “Great but she almost twisted my ears off!”
Posted by: foxy lady Nov 6 2006, 01:46 PM
"Onions" and "Christmas Tree"
Family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, "Dad, how Many kinds of boobies are
there?
The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging
a
bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?", the wife says.
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, How
many
kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man
goes
through
three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but
reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
only."
Posted by: foxy lady Nov 6 2006, 01:48 PM
Anna had lost her husband almost 4 yrs ago.
Her daughter was Constantly calling her and urging her to get back out into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another, and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?
"She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same.
She stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit,
but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Posted by: evade20 Nov 6 2006, 04:04 PM
Her daughter was Constantly calling her and urging her to get back out into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another, and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?
"She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same.
She stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit,
but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Thanks Foxy!
Posted by: closeup Nov 6 2006, 04:30 PM
Great effort, Foxy and evade. I can always use a good laugh.
Posted by: evade20 Nov 20 2006, 09:01 AM
I guess this will have to fit into the jokes thread:
Drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
- Indubitably
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
- Specificity
- British Constitution
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
- Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
- Nope, no more beer for me.
- Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
- Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight.
- Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.
Posted by: Purduemyron Dec 5 2006, 01:06 PM
A little puzzle for y'all. Can you find the tractor in this picture?
Posted by: Bobaloo Dec 5 2006, 06:54 PM
Nope! but I bet it has a haulin' ass bumper sticker and mud flaps.
Posted by: bondiguy Dec 6 2006, 12:52 AM
Right behind all the hot naked women?
Posted by: evade20 Dec 6 2006, 06:19 AM
It would take a aggie from Purdue to think this was difficult...
Posted by: adzster Dec 10 2006, 08:04 PM
Here's a joke for you all.
Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. at the gates, St Peter gives him a jacket made of bronze.
While walking around in heaven, Bill saw a man wearing a jacket made of Gold. So he goes back to St. Peter.
"Why Have I got a jacket made of bronze? I've seen one man walking around with a gold one" Bill asked St Peter.
"Ah, that's the captain of the titanic" replied St peter.
"So, the captain of the captain gets a gold jacket, and a man who revolutionised the way we live, work and play and transact business only get's a bronze jacket? What's happening here!? I created Microsoft and the windows operating system! This is Mad" shouted bill
"Well," said Saint Peter, "the titanic only crashed once"
Ha ha hope u all liked that
Posted by: bondiguy Dec 11 2006, 12:06 AM
Ha ha hope u all liked that
Boom Tish!
Posted by: rdmoscow1808 Dec 11 2006, 04:13 PM
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
>>Him,
>>My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
>>
>>"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
>>"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
>>Urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to
do
>>About it.
>>
>>It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than
a
>>Doctor."
>>
>>So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
>>Wal-Mart.
>>
>>He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
>>Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>>
>>Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>>
>>"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>>Activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
>>Wal-Mart."
>>
>>That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>>Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>>
>>He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
>>From his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
>>
>>Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He
>>Deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
>>
>>The computer prints the following:
>>
>>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
>>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle
>>7)
>>3.. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>>4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>>5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get
>>Better !
>>
>>Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
>>
Posted by: Christof Dec 11 2006, 05:19 PM
What has 2 legs and flies?
A pair of trousers (pants for my american cousins)
Posted by: Bobaloo Dec 11 2006, 06:45 PM
A pair of trousers (pants for my american cousins)
speaking of flies, what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
he got pissed off.
Posted by: bondiguy Dec 12 2006, 12:12 AM
he got pissed off.
Worst Joke Ever
Posted by: evade20 Dec 12 2006, 09:04 AM
>>Him,
>>My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
>>
>>"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
>>"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
>>Urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to
do
>>About it.
>>
>>It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than
a
>>Doctor."
>>
>>So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
>>Wal-Mart.
>>
>>He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
>>Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>>
>>Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>>
>>"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>>Activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @
>>Wal-Mart."
>>
>>That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>>Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>>
>>He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
>>From his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
>>
>>Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He
>>Deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
>>
>>The computer prints the following:
>>
>>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
>>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle
>>7)
>>3.. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>>4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>>5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get
>>Better !
>>
>>Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
>>
Damn, RD, if you're going to post a joke that has been forwarded several times by email, at least edit out the control characters like ">>>>".
Besides, if you got it by email, so did everyone else...probably six years ago!
Posted by: bondiguy Dec 12 2006, 05:15 PM
Besides, if you got it by email, so did everyone else...probably six years ago!
A fired up evade
Posted by: rdmoscow1808 Dec 12 2006, 10:24 PM
Besides, if you got it by email, so did everyone else...probably six years ago!
So sorry to upset you....do I owe you some money???...Did I back into your car???....Did I cut in front of you in line at Walmart???...Did I kick your dog??? As you should have noticed, it is a joke thread, and I told a joke. Sorry it wasnt edited for your specifications, and due to the fact that I am not on this board nearly as much as you are, I did get this "joke" only yesterday, and thought it would b nice to share with others. So the past 6 years, this joke must have missed me, as well as others.....I am not as timely as you are.
Go ahead and get in your car and go run over a cat for at least 6 times...or yell at the old lady in the grocery line for not moving so fast...I think you would feel better.....
Posted by: janeyanne Dec 13 2006, 02:13 PM
FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle" he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at
the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those
symbolize Christmas?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
Posted by: closeup Dec 13 2006, 02:36 PM
Go ahead and get in your car and go run over a cat for at least 6 times...or yell at the old lady in the grocery line for not moving so fast...I think you would feel better.....
I liked your joke and had never heard it before.
Posted by: Gnappster Dec 13 2006, 02:44 PM
but in evade's defence, you probably just figured out how to email 2 weeks ago
Posted by: closeup Dec 13 2006, 02:46 PM
It'll be three weeks next Wednesday.
Posted by: Bobaloo Dec 13 2006, 04:39 PM
Go ahead and get in your car and go run over a cat for at least 6 times...or yell at the old lady in the grocery line for not moving so fast...I think you would feel better.....
"She kick my dog, and now I'm going to fuck her! No, I'm not! Just kidding!"
I don't know if anyone will get that, but I do and it's hilarious.
so hiliarious, in fact, it warrants this here smiley
Posted by: Gnappster Dec 13 2006, 04:43 PM
I don't know if anyone will get that, but I do and it's hilarious.
so hiliarious, in fact, it warrants this here smiley
I do, jerky!
Posted by: Bobaloo Dec 13 2006, 05:19 PM
Posted by: closeup Dec 13 2006, 05:33 PM
Two second graders are walking home from school.
One looks at the other and says, "I can't believe Mrs Myers flunked us in sex-ed. My father is gonna kill me." "Yeah", says the second one. "I'm so pissed, I could kick her in the balls."
Posted by: evade20 Dec 13 2006, 05:40 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle" he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at
the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those
symbolize Christmas?"
The man replied, "They're Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....
Great joke, Janeyanne!
Posted by: Bobaloo Dec 13 2006, 05:54 PM
One looks at the other and says, "I can't believe Mrs Myers flunked us in sex-ed. My father is gonna kill me." "Yeah", says the second one. "I'm so pissed, I could kick her in the balls."
now that's humor. Great joke. I'm going to tell that one tonight.
I sure wish I had friends, cuz i dont' think my fish will understand the joke.
Posted by: closeup Dec 13 2006, 07:47 PM
A gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated. After the operation he mournfully complained to a fellow miner, "I supposed I'm fucked now. Who would ever want a one-legged gold digger?"
"Try Paul McCartney," his friend replied.
Posted by: bondiguy Dec 13 2006, 11:51 PM
The only jokes I know are either extremely racist or extremely sexist or a healthy combination of both.... Im sure they wouldnt sit well here
Posted by: Gnappster Dec 14 2006, 02:03 AM
The only jokes I know are either extremely racist or extremely sexist or a healthy combination of both.... Im sure they wouldnt sit well here
I'm quite low brow.
Posted by: bondiguy Dec 14 2006, 06:23 AM
I swear as soon as I posted my last post I knew you or bob were going to say that!
Posted by: rdmoscow1808 Dec 14 2006, 12:12 PM
A Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Posted by: Bobaloo Dec 14 2006, 03:16 PM
I woulda, but Gnappy was too quick!
Posted by: ddd35 Dec 14 2006, 03:24 PM
A guy was telling a bartender (Bondi ) that he met his wife in a brothel .
You should be happy about that its actaully kind of romantic .
Oh Yeah ? responded the guy ( well i thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling ...
Posted by: bondiguy Dec 14 2006, 10:55 PM
He is very, very fast! (Or so his wife tells me)
Posted by: ddd35 Dec 15 2006, 02:40 PM
burn baby burn ..
Posted by: HardDick69 Dec 15 2006, 03:12 PM
"Try Paul McCartney," his friend replied.
roflmao, that's fuckin great.
I hate that bitch. Does she really think she'll win a court case in Britain against a Beatle? yah right! He could come out and say that he beat her w/ her own wooden leg then pass out old Beatles memorabilia and everyone would forget it ever happened.
Posted by: bondiguy Dec 15 2006, 05:22 PM
I hate that bitch. Does she really think she'll win a court case in Britain against a Beatle? yah right! He could come out and say that he beat her w/ her own wooden leg then pass out old Beatles memorabilia and everyone would forget it ever happened.
I'd pay money to see that!
Posted by: closeup Dec 19 2006, 11:00 PM
This could of went under "Thought for the Day"
Posted by: bondiguy Dec 20 2006, 12:25 AM
So my next door neighbour's son is 15. He is a pretty cool kid and he often sticks his head over the fence for a chat when I am in the yard.
So yesterday I am in the backyard and he leans over the fence. "Hey John, how are you mate?" I say to him. His reply, "Not good bondi, I am grounded!"
I am a bit shocked, because is usually a good kid. I asked him, "Why did you get grounded?" and his swift response was, "I got caught having sex with my teacher!"
I couldn't believe it! I was stunned. I said to him, "Fuck it mate, a week inside is a small price to pay when you are 15 and fucking your teacher. I can't believe it, you are a champion, a hero! I bet all your mates are idolising you know!"
I continue with, "So when are you going to do it again buddy?"
He sayd, "Not for a while, my arse still hurts!"
Posted by: Gnappster Dec 20 2006, 11:24 AM
So yesterday I am in the backyard and he leans over the fence. "Hey John, how are you mate?" I say to him. His reply, "Not good bondi, I am grounded!"
I am a bit shocked, because is usually a good kid. I asked him, "Why did you get grounded?" and his swift response was, "I got caught having sex with my teacher!"
I couldn't believe it! I was stunned. I said to him, "Fuck it mate, a week inside is a small price to pay when you are 15 and fucking your teacher. I can't believe it, you are a champion, a hero! I bet all your mates are idolising you know!"
I continue with, "So when are you going to do it again buddy?"
He sayd, "Not for a while, my arse still hurts!"
hahaha, best one I've heard in awhile.
Posted by: bondiguy Dec 21 2006, 01:30 AM
Thank you, try the veal!
Seriously though it is a great joke to tell when you mask it as a true story. I remember hearing it for the first time when I was 15 and my football coach told the rest of the team about one of the players who couldn't make training that night. When we asked why, that was his story... he had us hooked in until the last line.... use it on your friends
Posted by: evade20 Jan 3 2007, 08:35 AM
So yesterday I am in the backyard and he leans over the fence. "Hey John, how are you mate?" I say to him. His reply, "Not good bondi, I am grounded!"
I am a bit shocked, because is usually a good kid. I asked him, "Why did you get grounded?" and his swift response was, "I got caught having sex with my teacher!"
I couldn't believe it! I was stunned. I said to him, "Fuck it mate, a week inside is a small price to pay when you are 15 and fucking your teacher. I can't believe it, you are a champion, a hero! I bet all your mates are idolising you know!"
I continue with, "So when are you going to do it again buddy?"
He sayd, "Not for a while, my arse still hurts!"
Speaking of SEX:
A dog named sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was nine years old.”
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." T
The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.”
Posted by: ddd35 Jan 3 2007, 04:20 PM
two ladies in the hair salon ...
My man is hung like a horse . the first bragged to her friend .
Mine is hung like a baby , the other said ..
Really that small ? the first asked ..
Not really the second replied , It weighs 7 pounds and 4 ounces .
Posted by: rdmoscow1808 Jan 12 2007, 11:04 PM
Old Man.....
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then
Starts putting on his coat. His wife, noticed the unexpected behavior.
She asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some
of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out
of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the
Doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a tetanus shot.....
Posted by: betty Jan 14 2007, 06:45 AM
WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN:
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
Your underwear is £1.99 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24
in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Posted by: betty Jan 14 2007, 07:40 AM
Not sure if this should be in here, but what the hell.
This is one of the funniest Videos I've seen for ages.
The council in Manchester England installed some retractable bollards to stop people using bus lanes. It's causing a bit of uproar with the public
Click on the link to find out why...
PS keep an eye on the windscreen of the white van right at the end ...
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/flvplayer.swf?file=http://media.biertijd.com/movies/200610/onderen.flv&autostart=true&fs=true
Posted by: closeup Jan 14 2007, 11:28 AM
This is one of the funniest Videos I've seen for ages.
The council in Manchester England installed some retractable bollards to stop people using bus lanes. It's causing a bit of uproar with the public
Click on the link to find out why...
PS keep an eye on the windscreen of the white van right at the end ...
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/flvplayer.swf?file=http://media.biertijd.com/movies/200610/onderen.flv&autostart=true&fs=true
Those bollards are so dangerous, I can't beleive the gov't thinks they're a good idea. People could get seriously hurt.
Posted by: natalie Jan 15 2007, 12:41 PM
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he
comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from
the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to
tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack
of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table,
and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a
little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he
sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.
"She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the
dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the
dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "Hey, no problem,
I'll do the fuckin' dishes!"
Posted by: Gnappster Jan 15 2007, 01:24 PM
This is one of the funniest Videos I've seen for ages.
The council in Manchester England installed some retractable bollards to stop people using bus lanes. It's causing a bit of uproar with the public
Click on the link to find out why...
PS keep an eye on the windscreen of the white van right at the end ...
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/flvplayer.swf?file=http://media.biertijd.com/movies/200610/onderen.flv&autostart=true&fs=true
Bollards is a funny word.
The people that hit them, we'd probably be better off getting rid of anyway.
comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is
outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from
the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to
tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack
of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table,
and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a
little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he
sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.
"She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the
dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the
dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "Hey, no problem,
I'll do the fuckin' dishes!"
priceless
Posted by: closeup Jan 15 2007, 01:45 PM
Great jokes, ladies. Gnappy, I agree thinning the herd Darwin style is usually a good idea, those bollards seem to pop up unexpected because the person was behind a bus or truck and probably never even good a look at a warning sign. It's almost like having your head crushed in a closing elevator door because the door doesn't know you're there. I'm saying in most cases that would be a bad thing, but now that I think about it, a few heads I could think of would be just perfect.
Posted by: betty Jan 15 2007, 03:07 PM
There's flashing signs for about 150 yards before the bollards, plus it's painted on the road before you get to them. If anyone can't see the signs they shouldn't even be on the road if they're eyes are that bad !. I say it serves the f**kers right
Posted by: closeup Jan 15 2007, 04:33 PM
If that's the case, I agree. I'd like to invent a prong that shoots out of a cell-phone into a persons ear if they try to talk and drive at the same time. Surgical steel, honed to a razor sharp point ,five or six inches long, ought to work just fine.
Posted by: evade20 Jan 15 2007, 06:18 PM
Posted by: closeup Jan 16 2007, 10:18 PM
Homer: What can I do? I'm only one man.
Lisa: Lincoln was only one man.
Homer: Are you sure there wasn't a midget in his hat? I read an email that said there was.
Posted by: closeup Jan 17 2007, 06:03 PM
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is an "AMERICAN OF THE FEMALE PERSUASION."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE"
- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
Posted by: rdmoscow1808 Jan 22 2007, 12:38 PM
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese ," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .
"Liver alone....Cheese Mine"
Posted by: rdmoscow1808 Jan 22 2007, 12:45 PM
A NORWEGIAN DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS CANADA TO SEE THE PACIFIC
OCEAN WHEN HE GETS TO NANAIMO, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE
DECIDES
TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!
HE WALKS INTO THE MACMILLIAN-BLOEDEL OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN
APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOGGER. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY
JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE.
BUT FIRST, THE BUSH FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE BUSH IN
THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A
TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES
IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.
THE NORWEGIAN PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "DATS DERE'S A SITKA SPRUCE, EH?
AND SHE GOT 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!!
HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.
HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE
SAME QUESTION.
THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
"LORD TUNDERIN'!! DAT'S YER DOUGLAS FIR AND SHE GOT 690 BOARD
FEET." SAYS THE NORWEGIAN.
NOW THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED.
THE NORWEGIAN HAS ANSWERED QUICKLY AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT
WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!
ONE MORE TEST.
THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS
AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE
WINDOW
AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHS POINTING, THE NORWEGIAN SAYS, A YELLER
CEDAR, 242 BOARD FEET AT MOST."
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A
LITTLE PISSED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE NORWEGIAN IS SMARTER THAN
HE. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS THE
NORWEGIAN TO STEP OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS
HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE
FRONT OF THAT TREE!
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT!! HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS
THE FRONT OF THE TREE?
WHEN THE NORWEGIAN REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE
WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE
X ON THE TRUNK.
HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK.
"DAT'S DA FRONT A' DAT TREE FER SURE." THE NORWEGIAN STATES.
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE
HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"
THE NORWEGIAN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS
LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A
SHIT BEHIND IT, EH?"
HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!
Posted by: betty Jan 24 2007, 03:38 PM
The priest in a small village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up !
No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Posted by: Bobaloo Jan 24 2007, 04:25 PM
A little boy was sitting on the curb
with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along
and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied,
"This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the
world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water
and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a
healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"
Posted by: Gnappster Jan 24 2007, 04:55 PM
haha, that's great. I was laughing so hard I almost crashed my car while reading it.
Posted by: Bobaloo Jan 24 2007, 05:24 PM
now that was fucking funny.
Posted by: MrMike1952 Feb 8 2007, 04:51 PM
Why did the blond buy curtains for her computer?
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